Starting over after being hurt doesn't just affect one party, it causes a whole new set of obstacles that the growing couple must face. As much as I would like to love as hard and fast as I used to, I am now more wary than before; I am a different person coming out of my last heartbreak. Some things I'll have trouble understanding or believing, andI will overthink my own overthinking. So, here are some things you should know beforehand:
1. I'm sorry:
I'm sorry that you're paying for someone else's mistakes. I'm sorry that I won't be able to let go at first. That I will be so afraid of your hurt that it will be hard for me to accept your praise. I'm sorry you have to deal with my overthinking and anxiety on top of everything else.
2. I have anxiety about this.
I will ask you over and over if you promise, like a child. I'll use "Are you sure?" like the word thanks. "You're beautiful,"...are you sure? "It's okay,"...are you sure? I will be so afraid of things going downhill that I will need reminding that we haven't even reached the top yet.
3. I'm scared.
I'm scared of rejection. I'm scared that you'll get tired of all the things I go through, and how needy yet independent I am. I want you, but not enough to fully rely on — because reliance is terrifying. Reliance means weakness in my eyes right now because the last time I relied on someone they let me down. I want your company and your support, but anything after that scares me enough to make me sabotage. Don't think I don't care about you, it's actually the opposite; I care a whole lot.
4. You are the first one to notice.
You will be the first one in your position which is hard for the both of us. For you, this means that you will have to muster every ounce of patience and understanding which I hope you have. For me, this means I can only guide as we go because I'm learning new things daily. Your gifts, your attention, your unconditional care is so unbelievable to me. Who does these things with no strings attached? Pinch me, I must be dreaming.
5. It's not your fault.
You are so amazing. You haven't lied, you didn't hurt me or make me upset, and your willingness to make me feel special and more than wanted is just a reminder that at one point someone wasn't. I'm doing my best, I'm learning and I'm so grateful for you. You help me heal and further understand my worth. That's huge.
6. Thank you.
Thank you for making me feel normal. Thank you for understanding why "slower than a snail" is the speed we have to go. Thank you for making me feel special. Thank you for being willing to look past all my shattered pieces because you know I'm beautiful once I'm sewn back together. Thank you for accepting all my baggage, good and bad. Thank you for understanding you'll always come second, I have a little person depending on me so I can't make you my number one. Thank you for dealing with my crazy scheduling, including times where dates don't work out, and for justifying all my feelings. Thank you for calling me out when you know what's better for me, for saying the compliments anyway, for buying the gifts or paying anyways, and for asking me how I'm doing mid-conversation even though I think it's silly. Thank you for stopping just to take a breath and point out all my strides.
7. My friends and family are extremely overprotective.
Thank you for being willing to face judgment from other people for me. Just know they care, and they were around for the last wreckage and don't want to see me hurt. They won't actually fight you. . . just don't test them.
8. You are so strong and so amazing for even trying:
You reassure my doubts and let me know you're here no matter what. This wall was built out of protection, out of fear, but also, in part, out of love. My definition of love is changing for the better thanks to you. I'm different than before and you accept that.
9. I'm doing the best I can.
I want to believe you, I want to let you in, I'm working on myself too.
10. I'm not going to change my mind.
I like you, that's one thing I'm sure of. I hope your positive attitude continues because I have so much left to give.
