Anxiety disorders are the most common mental illness in the United States. It affects 40 million adults ages 18 and older, about 25% of all teens, and 30% of teen girls. So here I am, showing you that you ARE NOT alone. Anxiety can be a terrifying thing, whether you take medication for it or not. Living with social anxiety, especially in college, is an extremely difficult thing for me to deal with on a daily basis. I have millions of thoughts racing through my brain every second of every day and I can’t control them. Here are a few things I think while holding social anxiety’s hand.
1. Everyone is judging me
I could look around a classroom and have zero eyes on me and still think that they're all judging me. This is what social anxiety does. It can alter the brain’s perception of certain situations. Nobody is really looking at me. Nobody cares what I’m wearing. Nobody cares that I’m eating a granola bar in class. People have their own problems and I promise they aren’t worrying about what shirt you have on.
2. Why did I wear sweatpants to class?
I am a very self-aware person and have stopped almost entirely when it comes to caring about what people think of me, which is an extremely difficult thing to do. The only thing preventing me from stopping 100% is my anxiety. I couldn't care less if people judged me for wearing sweats to class. But then, as I’m walking to my next class, I see a girl in a really nice outfit and I doubt myself, fighting the urge to turn around and go back to my dorm to change. Then I think to myself, who gives an actual shit? I’m wearing whatever the hell I want and nobody can stop me. Rock those sweats!
3. I have to leave 20 minutes early for class even though it’s a five-minute walk
Some days I’m like I don’t give a shit if I’m late. Fine by me. And most professors are pretty lenient anyway. But most days, here I am, the only one in the classroom, 20 minutes early.
4. If I speak my mind on something in class, what are people going to say and think?
Being scared to speak my mind in class is difficult for me because generally, I’m a very outspoken person who isn’t afraid to speak her mind. Everyone’s going to have a different opinion and that’s okay. Don’t worry about what other’s think. Your opinion is welcome too.
5. Is going to college even worth it?
Sometimes I feel like I’m paying thousands and thousands of dollars for nothing, especially as an undeclared major stuck in the realm of figuring out how I want to achieve my goals. College isn’t for everyone and that’s okay. Not everyone is the same.
6. Missing one class will kill my grade. I can’t skip
Somehow, I manage to force myself to get up at 8 am twice a week to listen to people’s opinions on politics. THIS IS REALLY HARD TO DO. One thing people often forget or don’t understand is that mental health is just as important as physical health. Taking a mental health day is perfectly okay. Sometimes, it’s needed.
7. I really don’t want to go to class
I think about skipping class every single day. Sometimes I just don’t feel like sitting there, listening to my professor drag on his lesson in a monotone voice. Some days my anxiety makes me physically sick. Which anxiety can definitely do. It sucks but it happens. Don’t be that person that skips class every other day. One or two skips is okay, but be smart and don’t waste your skips on random days. Use really don’t feel good.
8. Why did I say that?
Every conversation I have with someone results in me thinking I’m an idiot. I always feel like I’m awkward when talking, which I am, or that I say things weird. I also stutter when I’m anxious. Which is SO MUCH FUN TO DEAL WITH.
9. I want to go home
Unlike probably every single teenager in college, I really don’t like where I’m at right now. Living away from home is a tough thing for me to deal with, especially considering how much of a mama’s girl I am. I miss my queen-sized bed and not having to share a room. I miss my puppy. I miss my endless supply of groceries and showering whenever I want. I miss harassing my brothers and watching Netflix with my mom. Living at college sucks when you don’t feel at home.
10. I don’t want to go eat alone
In high school, this was one of the biggest fears I had, especially after losing every single friend I had. In college, I feel this on a much lower level, but it still occupies my mind. While I’m standing in line waiting to get food, I see everyone in groups of friends of 20 or more and I die a little inside because I feel like they’ll all judge me as I sit at a big table all by myself and anxiously scroll through twitter. I don’t even want to think about someone coming over to me and asking to sit with me. Truth is, eating alone isn't actually that bad. Sometimes it’s nice to just eat in quiet. Don’t be scared to be alone. Being alone is okay.
