As a human being, I like to keep an optimistic view in life. However, as a human being, I also sometimes hate everything.
In honor of those moments when I'd rather throw a temper tantrum than be a socially acceptable adult, here's a list 10 things I'm not here for.
1. Humidity.
I can't tell you how un-here I am for humidity. As a black, natural-haired being, humidity is simply disrepectful to my fresh twist-out and my layed edges. How dare you, humidity? I'm not here for you.
2. Ashy ankles.
No matter how many passes of the coco butter stick, you revert back to your 10-minutes-out-of-the-shower look. It's summer time and I want to wear sandals. How am I supposed to be fleeky if you keep betraying me like this? I'm not here for you.
3. Chlorine pools.
See #2
4. Literal early birds.
Have you ever been snuggly in your bed and had your dreams disrupted by these sky-demons? What's so important that you have to communicate at 4am? Is my bedroom window the hotspot for the latest aerial gossip? I'm really not here for that.
5. Reckless drivers
If you're a reckless driver and you're reading this, I hope you take the highest offense. You have no respect for my life or my fender and so I have no respect for your time. If you want to tailgate, I'll slow down. If you want to cut me off...well...there's not much I can do about that but you better believe I'm gonna wish upon you the flattest of tires as you zip by me because I'm not here for you.
6. Taking off my makeup at night.
I hate this. Why is life unfair? I wanna sleep beautiful. I want to wake up beautiful. I want to constantly be a queen. Why must I have to transform back into my gremlin state right before the most beautiful time of day: bedtime? I'm not here for that.
7. Bad kids.
If you're going to invite me over to your home and you happen to harbor two to five missing links, I'm not here for you or them. If your children come with a leash or a warning...we can't be friends.
8. Open coughers/ sneezers.
Let me explain: if you cough, sneeze, yawn etc. without covering your mouth I'm EXTRA not here for you. And there's a special level or not-here-ness for those of you who like to open-cough in enclosed areas (i.e the car or my personal space bubble).
9. That edgy guy.
I'm not here for you if you're that edgy guy in the comments. I'm sorry but you're not edgy or alternative you're bored with Internet access and enough brain power to understand what it means to play the devil's advocate. I cannot condone your shenanigans and will actively work to abolish your kind from the World Wide Web. May the fates be ever in your favor.
10. Chance the Rapper's ignorance of my existence.
I CAN NOT BE MORE UN-HERE FOR THE FACT STATED ABOVE. Honestly, Chance, what are you waiting for? We're clearly ships passing in the night, forbidden lovers, and every other tragic love scenario. Just educate yourself about my existence and come love me. I even managed to work you into this article, I'm serious about us. Call me.
I hope this list encourages you to express your anger and frustration in a positive way. Comment below some thing you are really not here for. ✌🏾️
