The 10 Stages Of Insomnia
Start writing a post
Health and Wellness

The 10 Stages Of Insomnia

A Night in the Life of a Chronic Worrier

The 10 Stages Of Insomnia
Athena Medical Clinic

A general outline of the 10 stages of sleep deprivation brought to you by an expert on the topic.

11:30 p.m. - Stage 1: The thought that starts it all

Ah, bedtime. The days' work is done, the lights are finally off, and you are snuggled comfortably in between layers of billowing blankets and fluffy pillows. All is peaceful in the world, and you can feel yourself slowly drifting off into the beginning of what promises to be a deep, rejuvenating slumber... But wait-- did you remember to lock the window?

Thirty seconds and two double-checks later you climb back into bed, secure in the knowledge that your upper-story dorm room is definitely safe from potential intruders with access to abnormally tall ladders. Part of you wonders at your own paranoia, but you distinctly remember your third-grade teacher's story about what happened the one time she left a third-story window open back in the '70s... 70... that reminds you, you didn't do so well on last week's calculus quiz. You should really study more for the next one... Crap. What time is it?

12:30 a.m. - Stage 2: Calculations and expectations

12:30... You should really get some sleep. You have an 8 a.m. Chemistry lecture tomorrow, and you would really like to grab a quick breakfast in the dining hall before class. You hope they have bacon tomorrow. There was no bacon in the dining hall last Thursday morning, and it totally put you in a bad mood... you decide once and for all never to become a vegetarian. Stop thinking about bacon. Focus. You need to time your morning just right: 30 minutes for breakfast (factoring in an extra 10 for predicted a.m. sluggishness), and another 40 to shower and pack up...that puts you at an approximate 7 a.m. wakeup. That's a less-than-desirable amount of sleep... How many hours of REM sleep can you fit into that period...?

1:00 a.m. - Stage 3: The panic begins

No. No, no, no.

1:15 a.m. - Stage 4: The panic deepens

Why can't you sleep? Is the stress of not being able to fall asleep stressing you out so much that you are unable to fall asleep due to an excess of stress? That's a stressful thought.

1:30 a.m. - Stage 5: Initiation of self-reflection

What are you doing with your life?

1:31 a.m. - Stage 6: Self-reflection turns dark

Oh my god. You don't know what you are doing with your life.

*Cue terrifying thoughts of your future life as a homeless theology/history/philosophy/etc major. Nobody will hire you. You live in a cardboard box in central South Dakota with your pet squirrel, Mitch. You are pretty sure that Mitch has rabies. You don't mind-- you need the company.*

2:00 a.m. - Stage 7: Feeble attempts to fall asleep

You manage to pull yourself out of your downward-spiral long enough to rationally consider ways of falling asleep. For the next 45 minutes (give or take an hour), you engage in the following series of activities: counting sheep, staring at the wall, reading and re-reading the label on your dorm-room mini fridge, listening to music, honing your yoga skills, eating a second dinner by candle-light, writing the opening chapters of a promising novel, plotting revenge on your enemies, and practicing deep-breathing techniques.

2:45 a.m.- Stage 8: Delusions

Does the clock always tick this loudly? You could have sworn it didn't tick like this last night. HOW CAN ANYONE EXPECT TO FALL ASLEEP IN THE PRESENCE OF THIS INCESSANT TICKING NOISE?

The ticks are definitely getting louder...the tocks, too, actually. TICK-TOCK, TICK-TOCK. Clearly, someone has been messing with your clock. Who would do such a thing? Probably Jane, from Chemistry class... she always gives you dirty looks. Jane is totally out to get you.

3:15 a.m.- Stage 9: Complete Loss of Coherency

asdk kfldlkafj d naejr oiad! opowie nfoie fiddle oiejr...alndf oeahnflkdsf;i idofjald o jandfda

*Note: at this point, approximately 50% of test subjects enter Stage 9b: "uncontrollable, silent ugly-crying"

4:15 a.m.- Stage 10: Acceptance

That's it. You have officially come to peace with the fact that you will never, in a million trillion years, ever fall asleep again. It's just not in the cards for you at this point. Actually, maybe this is the best thing to ever happen to you. You are a particular brand of superhuman without the need to sleep. Sleep is an affliction of the lesser, a flaw of the weakling. If Darwin was alive today, he would praise you as a prime example of adaptive evolution. You never want to fall asleep again!




7:00 a.m.- Wakeup Time

Crap. Time for coffee.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
Robert Bye on Unsplash

I live by New York City and I am so excited for all of the summer adventures.

Keep Reading... Show less

The invention of photography

The history of photography is the recount of inventions, scientific discoveries and technical improvements that allowed human beings to capture an image on a photosensitive surface for the first time, using light and certain chemical elements that react with it.


The history of photography is the recount of inventions, scientific discoveries and technical improvements that allowed human beings to capture an image on a photosensitive surface for the first time, using light and certain chemical elements that react with it.

Keep Reading... Show less
Health and Wellness

Exposing Kids To Nature Is The Best Way To Get Their Creative Juices Flowing

Constantly introducing young children to the magical works of nature will further increase the willingness to engage in playful activities as well as broaden their interactions with their peers


Whenever you are feeling low and anxious, just simply GO OUTSIDE and embrace nature! According to a new research study published in Frontiers in Psychology, being connected to nature and physically touching animals and flowers enable children to be happier and altruistic in nature. Not only does nature exert a bountiful force on adults, but it also serves as a therapeutic antidote to children, especially during their developmental years.

Keep Reading... Show less
Health and Wellness

5 Simple Ways To Give Yourself Grace, Especially When Life Gets Hard

Grace begins with a simple awareness of who we are and who we are becoming.

Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash

If there's one thing I'm absolutely terrible at, it's giving myself grace. I'm easily my own worst critic in almost everything that I do. I'm a raging perfectionist, and I have unrealistic expectations for myself at times. I can remember simple errors I made years ago, and I still hold on to them. The biggest thing I'm trying to work on is giving myself grace. I've realized that when I don't give myself grace, I miss out on being human. Even more so, I've realized that in order to give grace to others, I need to learn how to give grace to myself, too. So often, we let perfection dominate our lives without even realizing it. I've decided to change that in my own life, and I hope you'll consider doing that, too. Grace begins with a simple awareness of who we are and who we're becoming. As you read through these five affirmations and ways to give yourself grace, I hope you'll take them in. Read them. Write them down. Think about them. Most of all, I hope you'll use them to encourage yourself and realize that you are never alone and you always have the power to change your story.

Keep Reading... Show less

Breaking Down The Beginning, Middle, And End of Netflix's Newest 'To All The Boys' Movie

Noah Centineo and Lana Condor are back with the third and final installment of the "To All The Boys I've Loved Before" series


Were all teenagers and twenty-somethings bingeing the latest "To All The Boys: Always and Forever" last night with all of their friends on their basement TV? Nope? Just me? Oh, how I doubt that.

I have been excited for this movie ever since I saw the NYC skyline in the trailer that was released earlier this year. I'm a sucker for any movie or TV show that takes place in the Big Apple.

Keep Reading... Show less

4 Ways To Own Your Story, Because Every Bit Of It Is Worth Celebrating

I hope that you don't let your current chapter stop you from pursuing the rest of your story.

Photo by Manny Moreno on Unsplash

Every single one of us has a story.

I don't say that to be cliché. I don't say that to give you a false sense of encouragement. I say that to be honest. I say that to be real.

Keep Reading... Show less
Politics and Activism

How Young Feminists Can Understand And Subvert The Internalized Male Gaze

Women's self-commodification, applied through oppression and permission, is an elusive yet sexist characteristic of a laissez-faire society, where women solely exist to be consumed. (P.S. justice for Megan Fox)

Paramount Pictures

Within various theories of social science and visual media, academics present the male gaze as a nebulous idea during their headache-inducing meta-discussions. However, the internalized male gaze is a reality, which is present to most people who identify as women. As we mature, we experience realizations of the perpetual male gaze.

Keep Reading... Show less

It's Important To Remind Yourself To Be Open-Minded And Embrace All Life Has To Offer

Why should you be open-minded when it is so easy to be close-minded?


Open-mindedness. It is something we all need a reminder of some days. Whether it's in regards to politics, religion, everyday life, or rarities in life, it is crucial to be open-minded. I want to encourage everyone to look at something with an unbiased and unfazed point of view. I oftentimes struggle with this myself.

Keep Reading... Show less
Facebook Comments