My name is Alex. I am a twenty-one-year-old African American woman. I date interracially and thought I would shed some light on the subject for those moving into it as well. I got the inspiration from two different incidents.

The first was from a very close friend who had a crush on an African American neighbor. She came to me one day and asked, “ALEX HOW DO I DATE A BLACK GUY”?

I literally laughed until I cried.

It wasn't my intention to be rude, I just was confused.

I thought to myself, “girl just date him, it does not matter that you're white”.

However, I found myself inadvertently being ignorant. Over time, I too learned that there are some unspoken rules about interracial dating, just as there are some unspoken rules for dating someone of the same race.

The second time I was inspired to write this article was when I was sent a song by my significant other that was deemed racist. I know the intention of the sender, so I thought nothing of it. He was trying to be sweet. In fact, it was very sweet and kind of cute. I called my friend to tell her about the gesture, because that's what girls do when something cute happens.

She. Blew. A. Gasket.

She was upset with him, angry even, and told me he was just a racist who happened to be dating a black girl. I mean, I've dated people who were just curious about what it's like to date interracially, and you usually can tell after the first week or so because of the questions they ask. Though I don't take offense to this kind of thing, in this instance, I knew this was not the case.

Now please understand, I am not a guru. I am not a relationship counselor. These are just my opinions that I have seen help and work positively over time.

To some this may sound like normal dating rules that have an added layer of race. Others may think this is way too much and that they should keep dating their own race. Don't get me wrong, both of those feelings are valid. So whatever you feel while reading this, read on! I hope this helps and works for you too, or at least, allows you to see another perspective.

1. Don’t take curiosity too seriously or personally.

You can only learn about something if you experience it. Don't take it personally when they ask a thousand-and-one questions. They literally just don’t know. Don’t read too deeply into their questions. If you get way too uncomfortable, speak up, and tell them why. If you punish them for every single question they ask, it will strain the relationship. Understand that you will be a bit uncomfortable because it is a new experience and every person you date will be different.

2. Gauge what questions you should ask and when to ask them.

If you're curious about the culture of your significant other, take into account that any relationship requires mutual respect. While the person you are dating should be understanding of your curiosity, you also need gauge when it is appropriate to ask certain questions and how to ask them, just like any relationship.

3. Know the intent of your significant other

Remember the story I told you earlier about the guy who sent me the song? Yeah, don’t get upset about things like that when you know their intent was not to be malicious. Take it easy! If it made you that uncomfortable find an appropriate time to explain to them why it bothered you. You have a right to express yourself in a relationship and your partner should have the decency to listen.

4. Listen to the concerns of your significant other

While you may not understand why a question, comment or action upset your partner, try to see it from their eyes. You don't have to walk on eggshells. You just need to tailor your words to your partner's liking…just like any other relationship. Don't claim they are being too politically correct just because you don't understand where they're coming from. You might find it draws you closer together. This goes both ways.

5. Your opinion is not someone else’s reality.

In my experience, conversations rarely get heated. I usually date someone who would empathize with me. Crying over the Dallas 5 Shooting, I was told: “I will never understand your fear but will always I hurt for you.” That meant the world to me. On another occasion, while dropping off a Middle Eastern friend of mine at the airport, he shook in my arms and said he was fearful each time he boards a plane to return home. He told me he needed my company because I could understand his fear and he was happy that I did. There have been times where I wasn't able to understand the fear of another, and I had to learn that all I can do is TRY to understand. In some cases, that is all my significant other can do as well. His life and my life are not and will never be the same, but we can always try to be sensitive. The important thing is to never invalidate your significant other's feelings.

6. Teach!

There is legitimacy in another person's feelings. Do some research together if it ever comes down to that. Take what your significant other says about how they feel for face value. A white man told me once: “ I feel like the world hates me, everyone thinks that I am a racist without having a conversation me. The world blames all white men for their problems. I feel so limited in what I can do.” I never knew some white men felt this way until he said something.Before you go into yourself and scream, “white privilege!" please try and understand that this feeling is very real for him. If you try hard enough to put yourself into another person's shoes you will feel what they feel. Always try to do this!

7. Tell them about racist family members before they meet (and be prepared to defend them against their insults).

I cannotstress this enough. Lord have mercy, Jesus Christ!

8. If he/she was X race, would it be ok?

Use discretion on this one. I am dark skinned, and I often get called all sorts of names to compliment my complexion (chocolate lady, honey brown, coffee, brown sugar, mahogany). Seriously, it gets weird sometimes. You name it, I've been called it, by other races or my own. I don’t take offense to it because I know what they mean. Some people find darker skin attractive, and not all of the people who do are from the same race. I was never offended when my significant other with darker skin said this to me, so I won't be when he lighter ones do either. They like my skin color, that is part of why they date me. Think about it when it comes to your own dating life or really, in any situation.

9. Don’t force the race talk.

You two are different races. Period. When and if it comes up, then let it happen. It might never come up, but in any case, don’t force it.

10. Whatever works for you, works for you.