At some point in everyone's lives, everyone has wanted a pet. Usually it's a cat or dog or some sort of reptile-- you know, something reasonable. Because some pets would be better than others, and some would be downright outrageous, deciding what animal you want in your life can be an important decision, so I'm here to to help you decide what you definitely, absolutely, under no circumstances should you ever get. You can thank me now.
1. American Alligator
Um, no. Just no. This is a terrible idea. You don't live in a swamp and you're not on a TV show. It will destroy everything and everyone. This is not a cute, little pet. There's no such thing as a "lap alligator" and I can only assume it doesn't want to be petted. Don't even try dressing this big guy up for halloween, you'd just be asking to be the next meal. And I specify the American Alligator here, but when you think about it, you really shouldn't be getting any type of alligator.
2. Manatee
First of all, these are aquatic, so no. They are literally known as sea cows. I wouldn't want a real cow living in my house, let alone a sea cow. It can't even go "moo." What a disappointment. I bet their parents won't sign their tests. And they're fat too-- they can weigh more than 1,000 pounds. They move really slowly, so if you're all about that fast-paced underwater life, these aren't the animals for you.
3. Clouded Leopard
Why am I convincing you that this is a terrible idea? They literally can run hella fast, so don't even bother trying to escape from them. But do you know what you should escape from? This idea. I don't even like real clouds, why would I want a leopard named after clouds? I know you're the king of bad ideas, but you're really outdoing yourself here like I'm pretty sure this is one of your worst. Yes, even worse than your brilliant idea to shave off your eyebrows and that was pretty bad. Just don't do it, OK? Save us all the trouble.
4. Porcupine
Yet again, I am amazed that I am saying that this is a bad idea. They aren't soft-- its Latin name literally means "quill pig." Do you really want a quill pig living with you? You can't even take these lil guys anywhere, especially not in rafts. Lord knows why you would want this as a pet. The only good thing about having one of these as a pet is that it can't shoot its quills at you. That's literally the only good thing, if you can even call it that.
5. African Elephant
Um, unless you haven't realized, these things are huge. They could literally crush you so don't let it climb in bed with you. Dumbo isn't real and neither is this idea. Go for something simple, go for something easy. You won't be able to take these guys for walks because they'd be walking you and their poops are huge so you're little doggie bags aren't going to cut it. And if for some foolish reason you still think this is a good idea, I hope you don't have neighbors because these guys can get pretty loud. If you like quiet, get some pet grass.
6. Ants
These are usually a thing people try to get rid of, not welcome into their home so why you would actively want them is beyond me. They literally multiply like crazy and seem to get everywhere. I'm pretty sure you already have them. Only redeeming quality is that they don't seem to be picky eaters, so you could just give them your leftovers. But we all know that they're already having a field day your leftovers. You wouldn't let your dog eat off the table, so don't pick favorites here. Good pets, my ass.
7. Arabian Camel
This may be at the top of your list, but it should really be at the bottom. You don't live in the desert and your wealth can't be measured in the number of camels you own. We now have cars, so a camel would be useless when you move back to college in August. I don't care how many humps it has or that its favorite day is Wednesday. I live in New York City and I can't exactly imagine riding my camel down Broadway. Anything you can't ride down Broadway is ill-equipped to be a pet.
8. Stingray
Um, they're kinda deadly to humans. Scratch that-- they're not kinda deadly; they're wicked deadly to humans. Example: Steve Irwin. He was a national treasure and I'm not even Australian. This may be a type of fish, but this isn't some goldfish relative. This thing has a spiny tail. Do you really want this in your house? And as I just learned, they can fly. Literally my nightmares are coming true.
9. Tyrannosaurus Rex
The fact that it's extinct is irrelevant, it would still make a terrible pet. I mean come on. This is the most terrible of terrible ideas. You haven't had a more terrible idea. If other dinosaurs couldn't stand a chance against the T-Rex, what makes you think you could? They were like the size of a bus and you're the size of a human that goes in a bus. I don't even really want to be on a bus, let alone a T-Rex. Imagine a bus full of T-Rexs or a T-Rex full of buses. Ooh lawdy, no.
10. Ostrich
It's an ostrich, for pete's sake. If you are actually considering this as a pet, then you need more help than I can give you. I don't trust any animal that's taller than me, so these big guys are a big no-no. These things are huge and can't fly so they're basically like chickens on steroids. They're brains are the size of walnuts and I'm allergic to walnuts so no thank you. Walnuts are damn small, if you didn't realize and these beasts run really weirdly. People say they can run really fast, so they have my permission to run away from me really fast.
