WASHINGTON, D.C.-- Last Thursday, U.S. President Trump announced to the nation and the world that he would start the process to withdraw the United States from the Paris Agreement, a 2015 pact between 195 signatory nations designed to address climate change. The decision instantly caused intense outcry across the nation, as, for some unknown reason, people seem to want to keep the planet they live on healthy and alive.
But how? How could Trump make such a drastic, earth-shattering, Earth-killing decision, one that could alter the fate of our nation (in terms of health, environment, future resource availability, even long-term economic prospects) with what seems to be so little consideration?
Quite easily, apparently. We've gotten an inside scoop on Trump's decision-making process, and we've uncovered something shocking.
"Look, when you're in charge, okay, you gotta think quick, and you gotta do whatever makes your people happy, alright?" Trump said to one of our undercover reporters, "And whatever you do, you gotta make it yuuuge, okay? Here."
Trump then took our White House plant into the Oval Office and took down a portrait of President Lincoln to reveal a secret dartboard covered in policy-proposals. "Listen, I don't have time for all the advisers, okay? I have to maintain my public image. I have to keep up with my businesses-- oh, come on, anyone who really thought a yuge businessman like me could keep away is a moron, okay?-- and I have to protect my people. I don't have time to make up new ideas, okay? So this is what I do."
According to our inside agent, Trump then produced a dart and threw it at the board. He missed twice, then hit paper. Our agent was hesitant to reveal what the dart hit, or what else was on the board, but she did have this to say:
"Apparently he got each of his Cabinet members and top campaign donors to write their number one policy suggestions on pieces of paper. What were the suggestions? Well... If he brings back child labor, bombs Nicaragua, bans non-Christians from attending public schools, or moves for the U.S. to topple the British government, just... Just don't be surprised, alright?"
Our agent also pulled a crumpled slip of paper reading "PULL OUT of Paris Agreement" from a trash basket in the Oval Office. I don't think I need to spell out the implications.
