I’ve only been on this earth for a little over 20 years, and I’ve only really been testing this “love” thing for about nine of those. Forgive me now for sounding naive, but I’ll try to give you what I know, without too much detail into why I know it, so that hopefully you’re more equipped the next time you give love a chance.
When you’re born, the first thing that matters, besides making sure you can breathe, and cutting your umbilical cord, is love. The love your parents should have for you, the love your parents have for each other—love love love.
We’re taught so often to seek love, and to do whatever we can to find it. We battle with it in our early teen years; we think we’ve found it in our later ones, only to find out that we, in fact, are not in love, and the soft, cozy rug is pulled out from under our feet. Many take a couple years off from finding “that” person in order to find themselves. While doing so, they move into adulthood, whether seamlessly or without any idea of what they’re doing. They give it a few more go’s and eventually, find the right person. With a heavy dose of hope, and a lot more than a sprinkle of luck, many find this person before age 30. To most people, their worst-case-scenario involves them reaching 30, then 35, and maybe even 40 without a ring on their finger.
At this point, pretty much everything is working against them. Their parents are pressuring them into finally settling down because they want grandchildren. Many of their friends are in love, married and have kids in grade school already. They might even wake up one morning and have more gray hairs than they hoped. If none of these matters, the emptiness of feeling so alone is ironically enough to fill up a lifetime’s worth of sorrow, and they become like a giraffe in quicksand—struggling and fighting for any chance of salvation from this looming doom.
This is one of my greatest fears. Not being alone, but having to make one of the most important decisions in my life out of fear and pressure rather than my own happiness. If this were to happen, I’d be in a position that doesn’t even allow me the time to explore all my options. I fear that because that seems like the easiest way to be stuck with someone for the rest of my life that I’m not in love with. I can’t think of many easier paths to divorce, honestly. If being alone feels so awful, I can’t imagine it feels much better to think you’ve found love, just to lose it.
Love is such a beautiful idea. With love, you find someone who cares more about you than him/herself. This person provides you with stability you wouldn’t find with anyone else. They smile when you smile, and frown when you frown. They’re like an extension of you. They know all your flaws, and they look past every last one of them, because you mean so much to them.
Doesn’t that sound amazing? That’s because it is, and it doesn’t come easy, and it probably won't happen with someone who isn’t that into the person you are. This person doesn’t necessarily have to love everything about you, but they should be willing to take the good with the bad, and accept you for the person you are, as much of a jerk as you might be. If they aren’t OK with the person you are, and vice versa, your relationship is going to experience some speed bumps. Trust me, because I’m telling you from experience, that trying to race through these speed bumps is a terrible idea.
We always hear people saying that they’re in love with their “best friend,” and let’s be honest, it sounds kind of weird sometimes. I mean, have you ever tried making out with your best friend? Think beyond that, though, and actually break down what they mean when they make that claim about their relationships. This person is more than just a pretty face that they wake up next to every morning. These love-birds are actually friends. They like the same things. They get along with each other. They care about what the other feels, just like your platonic friendship with your best friend. So, if you’re going to spend as much time with this person as you do with that best friend of yours, it’s probably a good idea if you two can talk to each other about more than just how badly you want to kiss each other all the time. Lust, a loving relationship does not make.
I’m not saying that lust can’t grow into love, because it can, but it’s better to make sure you know—really know—what you’re getting yourself into before you sign on long-term. If after careful inspection of your relationship, things just aren’t going to work, then you need to make an executive decision for the well-being of both parties. Like pieces in this heart-shaped jigsaw puzzle that has been passed down from generation to generation that you now have the duty of completing, whether you want to, and whether you’re ready to or not, you two just don’t fit together, and that’s OK.
What isn’t OK is treating that other person poorly for being different than you. I mean, so what if they eat their cake soaked in milk, and you prefer a drier version of the dessert? You’re just pieces that belong to another part of the puzzle. Your job is to recognize that, so long as you maintain some sort of faith in love, that while someone out there is meant for you, that person isn’t the one you’re with right now. Trying to change them, whether they’re jerks or not, just isn’t right. As human beings, we’re designed to be imperfect. That isn’t to say that we can’t aspire to be perfect, though.
So you can try to help and guide that person to perhaps be a bit nicer, maybe more understanding, but anything beyond that is out of your control, and frankly, out of your right. People are who they are, for whatever reason. I’ve learned this the hard way. If everything that this person does bothers or hurts you, then your options are very limited. You can ask them to grow a bit in order to make you happy, and you can leave if that doesn’t work, but under no circumstances can you force another individual to change the person that they’ve worked their entire lives to become, merely to please you.
When this happens to you, or if it already has, don’t let it discourage you, because there is someone out there for you. You just have to find them. Even if it takes you your whole life, don’t settle for anything less than the love you deserve.
If you find what you, in your heart, soul and brain truly believe to be true love, you hold on to that, and don’t you ever let it go. To me, there are two types of 1 percenters in this world. One is the kind that’s usually a jerk like Donald Trump and the other is the 1 percent of this world’s population lucky and dedicated enough to have found true love, and that is a beautiful reality. If you’re one of these truly blessed people, don’t let go, because you’ve found the Holy Grail.
Oh, and if you want to be alone, that’s totally OK, too. Be yourself, and not who others want you to be.
