The tears were streaming down my face, but my mind still wouldn’t accept it. That’s when you stepped in.
I was turned facing my wall while lying on my bed when my numb body was overwhelmed with the warmth and embrace of another person.
“I love you, and I’m so sorry,” you said.
I didn’t say anything because I had nothing to say. I just wanted you to keep holding me, you had been holding me together for sometime now and I realized the reason I was able to get through the toughest day of my life is because I had you by my side.
That day wasn’t the only time you held me together.
My family kept me shielded from the truth as long as they could, talking about the big “C” in front of me was like walking on eggshells because they thought I couldn’t handle it. They were right. I wasn’t ready to hear the word cancer, but when I did…you were right there. Thank God.
I play this day's event in my head over and over.
“There’s a tumor wrapped around her heart,” I heard the doctor say. I looked at my mom with terror in my eyes because now that my own ears had heard it, I had to accept it. I tried to stay strong: for my mom, for you, for her. But in that moment I realized that I had reached my breaking point.
I could feel the tears welding; there was no holding back at this point.
My best friend, my moral compass, my heart and soul. God please, please don’t do this to me.
I remember walking. I was stumbling down the halls of the hospital to leave when suddenly my brain forgot to tell my legs how to move and I collapsed to my knees. After falling to the ground, I heard screams echoing down the halls of the hospital. It wasn’t until people started coming out of their rooms and staring at some mess-of-a-girl on the floor for me to realize, the screams were coming from me. No amount of screaming or crying could take back what I had heard or the thoughts going through my mind.
She was going to die.
I didn’t think I could get up, in fact I couldn't. I had never been so weak in my life, but some strength in me pulled me off of the ground. That strength was you. In just seconds of my meltdown, I felt my body leave the floor and quickly found myself cradled in your arms as you carried me out of the place where I’d left my broken heart and tears on the floor.
I don’t know how I would have done it without you. It might have taken me time to realize why I was OK for so long after it happened, but you were always there. You were there every moment I needed you; and even the ones I could have done on my own, you stayed behind the scenes, just in case.
I hope anyone who suffers a loss has someone like you in his or her corner. Someone who understands that everyone handles death differently, and that losing someone is an excruciating feeling. You were there, for better or for worse, any time or day, any circumstance. I hope to return that strength to you one day, whenever you may need it.
