I am the oldest of three girls, so all my life I did everything I could to be the best role model I could for my two younger sisters. Little did I know, I was being much more than a role model. Instead of setting an example for them to follow, I was setting an unfair precedent that they were expected to match. I was trying so hard to illuminate the path toward their future but was actually casting my shadow.

Not to sound conceited, but growing up, I was the golden child. I was well-behaved, polite, smart, and driven. Sports were never my thing so instead I chose to be involved with choir, theater, dance and cheer. I took every opportunity I could to volunteer, participated in my classes, did whatever it took to get a good grade and never found any fun in the party scene. And I put 110% effort into everything I did. Basically, I just wanted to make Mom and Dad happy.

I never noticed it much, but every time my younger sisters were faced with a decision, the first thing they would hear was “Well Briana did…” And when they would enter a class on the first day of school their teachers would see their last names and say, “Oh, you’re Briana’s sister.” It was almost like The Brady Bunch but instead of “Marcia, Marcia, Marcia” it was “Briana, Briana, Briana”. But that wasn’t my fault, right? I didn’t ask for people to compare my sisters to me.

The middle sister always had a free soul, so despite always being reminded that it wasn’t what Briana did, she started making her own decisions much earlier on. She knew she was nothing like me and refused to pretend that she was. The youngest, on the other hand, was not as quick to stand her ground. I always thought we were two peas in a pod; she was my mini-me! Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery after all. How could I not be proud? That was, until one day when I had a real, deep conversation with her.

It turns out that she was a sophomore in high school and had absolutely no idea who she was. And not because she was a teenager that was still trying to find herself, but because she was never given the opportunity to. The mold had already been made. And not surprisingly, she was completely unhappy. She was crying night after night after over her extremely difficult AP courses that she didn’t want to take and was forcing herself through the music academy that she had no interest in. She dressed like me, she went to the gym like me, she did theater like me. And if she didn’t live up to the standard I had set, she would feel like she was a complete failure. No one else had to compare her to me- it was already set in her brain to think that way.

This realization was completely heartbreaking. All along I thought I was being a great big sister, but it turns out I was being the puppeteer of her life. I was inadvertently controlling her every movement. Thankfully she realized what was happening and was ready to cut the strings. It wasn’t easy, but she finally started doing what SHE wanted. She quit the music academy, joined a tennis team, discovered what she was passionate about and found her own style.

Do we still like a lot of the same things? Sure. Does she still look up to me? Yeah. Are we still really close? Of course. But now I am not a domineering figure in her life. I am the supportive older sister that is always there to offer her suggestions and advice, the way it should be.

So to all of the oldest sisters out there: take a second to think about your relationship with your younger sibling(s). You are the one that should always be there for them. For every major decision, every broken heart, every celebration- you are the one they will turn to. So open up the lines of communication now and be sure that you are guiding them, not controlling them. How will they ever learn if they don’t make their own mistakes? And I’m not saying you shouldn’t be the best role model that you possibly can. I'm only suggesting that you let them freely decide on the person they want to be and the future they want to have. And if you feel like it isn't your fault because it isn't you making the comparisons, then remember that you can still be their voice of reason. Remind them every day that they are perfect just the way they are and that they should never try to be anyone but their best self.