When you look at me, you probably wouldn't think I used to self harm and you wouldn't think I had an eating disorder that led to depression. 3 years ago to the day I chose to stop harming myself and become someone completely different in order to turn my life around.
At age 12 I believed that I wasn't good enough and that I was too fat. I was constantly bullied but I never told anyone and kept it to myself. My parents questioned why my weight would go up and my grades would go down. I never wanted to tell them that I was unhappy or I felt worthless because they'd chalk it up to being a kid that doesn't understand how the world works. They lived such busy lifestyles. 15 hour work days didn't only compromise my relationship with them but I tried to understand that they simply couldn't be around. Eventually I started to look to food more to fill the voids. I would eat tremendous amounts of food and when it was all said and done, I wouldn't purge...I would tell myself I was disgusting and cut myself in places no one could see. Not once did I try to take my life but every cut was a message to myself that further made me feel useless. I continued this lifestyle for 3 years without anyone noticing. Throughout those three years, I fought a futile battle against myself to take my well-being back. As soon as I thought I could stop, I would relapse back into the same routine. I kept people at an arms-length because I didn't want anyone to find out what was really happening with me, I didn't want to compromise the fortress I had built for myself in which only me and my disorders lived peacefully. Every day I would succumb to its beautiful mess. Yet, every morning I would wake up as if nothing had happened. I spent high school in and out of this routine. Some days were better than others, but on occasion when it was a particularly bad day I would do whatever I could do to feel something, even if it was pain. It goes unsaid that depression inevitably became part of my life because I could no longer control my disorders.
However, days before my 16th birthday I had had enough. I looked at myself in the mirror and told myself it was time for change. I knew and still know that the healing process doesn't happen in the blink of an eye. I wanted to change so I began to run and work out and begin writing. I'm not saying this works for everyone but it definitely has helped me get myself back. Mental disorders, eating disorders, etc. are so quickly thrown on the back burner because they aren't "apparent" and "you can't see them". If there's someone in your life or anyone in general that has a disorder you can't see, bare in mind that everyone has a story and no one deserves their disorder to be the final chapter. October 22, 2016 I am no longer ashamed of the disorders that held me prisoner for so long.
