Disclaimer: this article will likely sound completely cliche make no sense to most, because I'm in love with a guy that I am voluntarily choosing to leave.
The guy I love is the most incredible person I have ever met. I've witnessed a lot of broken, heart wrenching, "wanna-shake-your-friend-for-being-with-that-jerk" relationships in my life. I've had my heart broken by a guy I thought I loved but really didn't. (Ah, high school.) It wasn't until I met my boyfriend that I realized what a real relationship was. It's the kind of love where you continue learning about each other-yet somehow know each other better than you know yourselves. The kind where respect is the most important. The kind that cares enough to listen without asking and give hugs even if we may push away. The kind where you laugh at each other, cry with each other, and stand up for each other. The kind that makes you want to surprise each other constantly, and show each other off to the world. He has quickly and surely become my best friend, and the first person I could truly see myself spending my life with.
It's funny, I say all of this with such confidence, as if I have it all figured out now. I assure you, I really don't. Which is why we'll likely have to part for some time.
My boyfriend and I are in our twenties. Soon, we'll both be graduating college with the world at our feet. I'll likely attend graduate school across the country while he pursues his talent as far as it will take him; I'm sure it will be incredibly far. We both have goals and plans set out for our futures, and they do not align. Sure, we could try to make it work. Long distance isn't a foreign concept, and has worked great for some people. But who am I to be that thing in the back of his mind when he's off trying to pursue his dream he's had since he was in the 7th grade? Who am I to not push myself to my full potential because I'm stuck wondering if he's wearing my favorite Chelsea boots he has? Or if he's making friends? Or if he's OK? Or if he misses me?
The night he asked me to be his girlfriend, I told him I never wanted to be something he had to worry or stress about; if that day came, things needed to change. Life is tough enough as it is, especially as a college student and young adult. Lucky for us, that day never came. Throughout our relationship, we'd share little glimpses of our future with each other and what we'd want out of them. We share this passion for needing to push our potentials as far as they can possibly go. I've explained to him (countless times) how I've always seen myself in a one-bedroom in the city with my dog, putting on my white coat each morning and heading to the hospital where I'd work. He's talked about his goals of winning a Grammy and doing audio engineering and sound design for his favorite artists. (Funny thing is, these aren't out of reach for him-not even a little bit). He had an internship in Times Square this past summer at a recording studio, and of course, he's been asked back by his managers. I fell in love with the city even more every time I visited. From being apart this summer, I learned I wasn't sure if I could handle a long distance relationship. I could feel pieces of me decay each time. It had gotten to a point where we almost didn't want to visit each other anymore because of how badly it hurt to say goodbye. I've always known our paths trail off in different directions. I've known I would need to attend graduate school for nearly 4 years now. I didn't plan on falling for him. I didn't plan on him changing my life.
Our love feels so mature for our time. I constantly hear stories from other people our age in toxic relationships. Here's what I've put together: expectation has the ability to ruin any relationship. My boyfriend and I have never promised each other "forever". We have never made commitments that we believed weren't feasible for us, or ones we felt were too out of reach. We feel as though it's unfair to do so. Think about it, do you do this with any other aspect of your life? Do you ever say to yourself "when I'm 30, I promise I'll keep this t-shirt forever, because it's my favorite t-shirt and I love it right now"? (NO, I'm not reducing my relationship to how one feels about a favorite shirt. Stay with me.) You would never say such a thing to yourself. What if the t-shirt gets stained? What if you outgrow it? What if you just don't look at it the same in a year or two? I genuinely believe you cannot promise to give someone your forever if you don't know what that forever looks like, or could be like. It's shocking to me how much of a foreign concept this really is. The pressure from society to grow up and get married right away is overwhelming at times. Maybe this is the right thing for some, but not for all. It feels like if you aren't settled down by 25, you're assumed to be "unhappy", "lonely", and "not really doing much in life". It's the girls getting engaged and having kids at 21 that get the hundreds of likes on Facebook.
Again, I sit here and write this, pretending I'm perfectly okay with sacrificing my relationship for my future career and goals. I promise you, I'm so far from it. I catch myself visualizing our future together constantly. When you have a great relationship, it's hard not to. There's so many times where I've thought to myself "marry this boy". Dancing in his apartment at 1 A.M. with no music playing, breakfast on top of Bloomsburg overlooking the mountains, Lincoln Square Park with dinner at 11 P.M., the "no, but I really love you"s. But if there's one promise we have made, it's to always keep in touch. To call each other when we need it. To visit every once in a while; whether he meets someone else who will be the luckiest girl in the world or not. To bring hazelnut coffee, flowers and to keep the gray sweaters. Even when we're accomplished and he's famous, even when we're old and gray. And who knows? Maybe that one day in the future, when we're both ready, I'll be lucky enough to have the chance to pick up where we left off.
My boyfriend changed my life. He made me learn things and feel things I didn't know were possible. It's because I love him so much that I'll have to let him go- even if it kills me.
