She may have been the first or 50th girl to steal your heart, but it was something about her that made her stick in your mind for this long after the breakup. "Time heals," all your friends say, or "How could you still be thinking about her?" Or "There are other fish in the sea," others may say. "What's so special about this girl?" Well if only I didn't have to move 500 miles away, if only your parents accepted her the way you did, if only you didn't zig when you should've zagged; if only there weren't so many ifs.
Even after the dark, murky, and ugly stages of the breakup, no matter how it went down, the thoughts of her still cross your mind from time to time. You got lost in her bright blue eyes even more times than were lost in organic chemistry class. Her voice was your kryptonite, and the way she said her As may have been an insecurity for her, but you fell head over heels for it every time. Even when she'd crack the slightest smile at your sad attempt at telling a bad pun, it'd melt your heart. The inside jokes between the two of you, no matter how silly they were, made your day. All in all, if you made her laugh that day, it was a win.
You may have had flings with other girls, but they just never felt right. There was no spark when your lips met, their hair smelled foreign and strange, and they were all just ... meh. They all were held to an unattainable standard: the standard that she set. Sometimes on your way to class, you start seeing things, thinking that girl in front of you may be her. She has the same long brown hair, the same legs, and almost the same walk. You then catch a glimpse of the girl's face as she turns a corner and discover that it was just another look-alike; the unfamiliar smile gave it away. It's safe to say that you miss her.
Now, every time you hear that song on the radio that was your song, or see her on your mutual friend's Snapchat story, your heart drops into your gut and you immediately try and block out those thoughts — those good memories. The weight of what is gone crashes down on you. You miss her and that's OK. A part of you misses all the great times the two of you had, you miss those butterflies you had in your stomach every time you saw her walking towards you, and you yearn for the unforgettable feeling of getting that "Good morning" text from her.
Ever since the two of you started breaking up, it was all about giving reasons, and, at the time, they were 100 percent valid. Do not blame yourself, or her, for breaking up; it's a two-way street. It's not that you regret breaking up, or want to get back together with her, but rather, you just miss her.
But another part of you may miss loving and having those feelings for another person and someone loving you back, and you associate that longing for those feelings with her, thinking that going back to her will solve the problem.
You're allowed to miss her, and no, it's not weak, but rather shows that you're in touch with your human emotions, and that's a good thing. Falling in love with someone is one of the most euphoric feelings human beings can have, which is why people are constantly after it.
You miss her and that's OK. You miss how she stole your heart time and time again. You miss the times where falling in love just happened. And you will always have a place in your heart for her and all the good memories you had together, and all the lessons you learned from her, but it cannot stop you from moving forward.
As hard as it is to do this, wish her well, that she may find a love that all of yours could not be, and that she remembers what it was like when falling in love with you just happened.
