When I first met you, I didn't think much of you at all. You were not supposed to play a permanent role in my life, nor was I meant to play one in yours. But as time went on, you started to pique my interest, so I ignored the fact that you were temporary. You told me all of the right things and made me believe that I was different—better—than the girls before me. It was too good to be true, but I gave you the benefit of the doubt. Before I knew it, I let my guard down, and I wanted nothing more than for you to stay in my life.
I believed in you when you didn’t even believe in yourself, and my parents cared for you as if you were one of their own, solely because you were so important to me. When you struggled to support yourself and later wanted to start your own business, I convinced my family to invest in you financially. You wouldn’t believe the number of times I apologized to my mother for allowing her to do something so selfless for someone who wound up hurting me time after time.
Know that I once hung on to every word you said. I would lie awake picking apart the truth from the lies, while so desperately trying to please you. Never ask me why I let you treat me so poorly because I will never have a definite answer. Maybe it’s because you took pieces of me that no one else can ever take. Or maybe it’s because I always hoped you'd once again become the boy I fell for.
You used to think that my sleep schedule rivaled yours. Maybe you finally found somebody that stays up just as late as you do—somebody who could keep you company late at night. What you don’t know is that once we started dating, I altered my schedule to match yours. With school and other activities, it wasn’t always easy to catch you during the day. So I’d stay up until ungodly hours of the night waiting for your text. In fact, if I knew I couldn’t wait until 2 a.m. for your message, I’d set an alarm so that I could sleep for half an hour before spending the next five hours talking to you.
It’s not unusual for you to fall asleep around 3 or 4 a.m. PST, so I would follow suit, disregarding the fact that I spend eight months in the Eastern time zone. Before I knew it, 7 a.m. would roll around, and the sun would have already risen by the time I said goodnight to you. Long distance relationships are incredibly difficult, so although everyone thought I was insane for never sleeping, it was something I was willing to do. However, I haven’t been able to fix my sleep schedule since then. Out of habit, I still wake up a handful of times throughout the night expecting a text or Snapchat from you.
I don’t doubt that at one point, you meant the things that you said to me. But I wonder if you realize exactly what it is that you lost and who it is that you treated so poorly. I hope one day you miss me because not many people will care for you as deeply as I did or put up with your childish personality. No one else will watch the clock and send you motivational texts before quizzes and exams, or make sure that you don't lose sight of the greater things in life. No one will care enough to remember your work schedule every week so that they can try and make you smile before each shift, or order you pizza from over 2,000 miles away. There will never be another girl that does even half of the things that I always did for you solely because I cared. But I suppose you don’t need any of that… Because if you did, I wouldn’t be saying goodbye.
