You Have To Love Yourself

I often awake in the middle of the night when I hear my phone go off, wondering if it's you, as I worry about whether you are okay. I think, despite the distance, about how distance shouldn't matter. We spent so much time together, understanding where we came from, challenging each other to never give up, and, most of all, taking care of each other. Our timing seemed perfect, we both needed to be brought out of the darkness. We each entered the other's life when darkness seemed to consume it. When things got bad we turned to each other. I wanted to save you from yourself because I saw greatness. I think that we became our own worst enemies, so I loved you with everything that I had because I believed that love could fix it all. Yet, nothing would be enough.

I invited you in, but you always kept me at an arm's length. I got the same information that you chose to share with everyone in your drunk stage.

You saw my truth and I began to see yours. You could tell with a single look if my world was falling apart.

When your fingers intertwined in mine I wanted time to freeze. Your hugs gave me the strength to face my greatest fear and your belief in someone who you barely knew inspired me. You seemed to give so much of yourself to me, a stranger. I guess because of this I only saw your strengths.

Then, one day, when I was in the hospital getting my accident prone body fixed, I heard a mother say to her daughter, "Honey, you can't chase after someone who can't even see their own self-worth." In that moment I realized that woman wasn't only talking to her daughter, but to me. I learned a lot through those fourteen simple words.

You needed to love yourself first before you could love anyone else, especially me. I tried to believe that, deep down, there was self-love but slowly that hope began to die. You had to see yourself for what I saw. I know what people said. I know that you weren't in a positive environment, but you had to see past that. I could write a thousand words to you all describing your strengths in my eyes, but what is the use? You can't see what I can. Until you believe in yourself you will always remain toxic.

You can't move on from the past if you cannot accept it. No one is proud of everything that they have done. We all have made selfish choices that have cost us a lot. The past consumed you. You couldn't move past it because you chose to live in constant regret. That person isn't you. We all change and there is nothing wrong with this. You couldn't even fathom moving on. You have to forgive yourself. Everyone that matters already has.

You needed to be good enough for yourself and not for others. For a while I always thought that you weren’t letting me in because I wasn’t good enough for you. Was it my appearance, my choices, or who I was? I worked to improve myself. I wanted so badly to just be good enough for you. Maybe then we’d get it right. Then I realized that it was never me who wasn't good enough for you. It was you who wasn't good enough for yourself.

Rely on the people who love you. The obstacles that you face in your life aren't intended to be carried alone. Life is about finding your team through each new adventure. We all wanted to help you, we all cared about you, but that wasn't enough.

You needed to be open and not think of emotions as weakness. It wasn't until you were in your 3rd or 4th beer that the walls started to come down. Everyone has flaws, but life is about being open to these flaws. Until you feel comfortable in your own skin you can't accept yourself.

I didn't want to have to move on. I didn't want you to be another missed opportunity, but I can only wait around for so long. I'll always care. I'll always wonder what happened to you. You will never be secure if you can't learn to love yourself. I hope for those that are still there that it happens soon. Because, when it does, I'll smile at the remarkable and honorable man that you have become. He will change not only you and me, but the world. I hope that you find peace one day.