Venus was a girl and she went to high school. She was in love. She was in love with two different people who were different and were boys. One was named Evander, or ‘Evan’ for short. The other was named Phillip.

Evan was hot, Venus thought. But Phillip was so cute!

Prom was coming up, but who should Venus ask to prom if she liked both of the guys?

Evan was tall and handsome. He played lacrosse and Venus was pretty sure he was captain, or at least a co-captain. He was a good lacrosse player. Sometimes, Venus would go see the games but that’s only because her friend Nike’s little sister was on the lacrosse team. Her friend Nike’s little sister was named Terra and Terra was even better than Evan!

This made Venus worried. What if Terra was to kick Evan off as being co-captain? There were only 2 co-captains; Evan and Lysander.

That can’t happen! Venus decreed with a smile and decided to plot something to ensure that Evan would always be the captain.

This was worrying, since Terra was strong and pretty and popular and everyone on the team loved her. She dated literally everyone on the team—except for Lysander and Evan. Venus thought it was because it would be mega Awk if she dated them and then usurped their captainship. Still, this made Venus nervous. What if Terra really did like Evan?! And what if he liked her back? This was NOT okay.

Venus asked Nike to ask Terra to find out if Terra liked Evan. But then Nike had to go to Rome for the rest of the year because of her Brown University high school study abroad program so Nike was no help. Silly Nike!

Venus was now worried. Terra was so popular!

Phillip was cute and tall too; Venus only really liked tall guys. Just like Evan. Phillip and Evan were both super smart except Phillip was smarter. Which was good, Venus deduced, if she wanted financial stability in the future. She was sure that Evan could give her that as well but Phillip had straight A’s in all of his Honors and AP classes.

But then Phillip went away on a Brown University high school study abroad program which made Venus sad since he went to California to save some manatee which would almost certainly be extinct due to global warming and rising sea levels. Silly Phillip!

But then Phillip came back because of the plague in California, no more planes to California! Cali was quarantined. That was good, deduced Venus, since Phillip was back!

Venus Facebook messaged Phillip, asking questions about the state of California. Venus said it was for the school newspaper, which it was. But it was also a chance to get closer to Phillip and Venus loved that very much.

Phillip told her lots of things and so did Venus. They became good friends, except they could never see each other since they had no classes together. So they would hang out after school and eventually, Venus convinced Phillip to join the newspaper! Success!, decreed Venus with a triumphant simile! Oops, she meant smile!

But while she grew close to Phillip, her feelings for Evan refused to subside. Time to take matters into her own hands!

Venus asked Arachne, her good friend, to ask Terra to the prom that was coming up in a few weeks. She hoped that this would find out Terra’s true intentions.

Arachne reported back a few weeks later: Terra was smart. Terra was only into romantic relationships; Terra didn’t like sex. Terra had dated everyone on the team—except for Lysander and Evan, the only guys on the team.

Oops! Said Venus, I forgot that Terra is homosexual. Silly Venus!

Now is my chance, decreed Venus, to make a move on Evan!

She asked Evan for an interview for the newspaper (it was a fake interview) but it worked! He invited her to go see a movie and then they got ice cream and ran across the town.

Phillip was jealous of Evan.

Evan, after finding out how close Phillip was to Venus, was jealous of Phillip.

Venus was jealous of Nike, who was so happy to have been accepted Early Decision to Brown.

Nike was jealous of nobody.

Terra was jealous of Nike, because Terra was only accepted Early Action to…...Amherst.

Arachne just didn’t care.

Senior Prom was coming up and Venus was so nervous—who should she ask??

Evan and Phillip confronted Venus and both said: “Pick me! Choose me!”

Venus was confused. Venus was nervous. Venus was worried.

Venus made a decision.

“I decide to not decide,” said Venus, hugging both Evan AND Phillip. “I choose both.”

Evan and Phillip hugged Venus back and then they went to prom and lived happily ever after.

*

Nike went to Brown. Arachne went to Brown. Phillip went to Brown. Evan went to Brown. Achilles went to Brown. Everyone went to Brown.

Except Terra.

And Venus, but she doesn’t count since she transferred to Brown after community college.

**

A funny thing happened on the way to prom, concludes Venus with a big smile. Phillip, Evan and I saw Arachne snogging Terra! I just KNEW they would be a great match for each other; that’s why I had Arachne ask Terra to the prom. I should play matchmaker more often—after all, I am named after the Goddess of Love & Justice!

No, it’s just love, says Phillip and Evan, both sighing heavily.

Oiiyy come here you!, says Venus as she attacks them both with her lips, as all three of them fall into the backseat of her 2015 Honda Odyssey minivan, laughing all the while.

It was good, Venus thought.