Here I am, staring at my computer screen for hours. Trying to decide if I should finally type this out. Trying to decide if it's finally time to let my guard down and let people in. This may not seem like a hard decision for many people, I know this sort of thing comes naturally, but your girl just couldn't seem to get out of her funk. With that being said, I'm not 100% out yet so please be content with me on this journey of finally exposing myself in the only way I know how to do so...
Many of my closest friends told me that I should write a book about my life. That I should definitely take my life and write it down cause this shit is unbelievable. Trust me I know. I've been contemplating on doing this for almost a year. Until I heard a voice that basically said, "Go ahead, sus. Speak your peace and let em know!" So that's exactly what I've decided to do. I will try my best to not recant my decision and just push through this.
WHY DO YOU FEEL THE NEED TO TELL YOUR BUSINESS?
I have to do this. I'm not doing this just to start trouble or be messy in anyway. It's been 13 years since I've been introduced to the harsh world we call "REALITY". The reality is that no one has the same one. Everyone has a different view on reality and how they break down certain events. And that's what my article series will be about. Me breaking down events in my reality that screwed up my life and lead me to where I am today. Am I better? Yes. Am I bitter? Not anymore. Am I hurt? Probably. Not gonna lie.
So Let's Get Started, Sus.
I guess the first piece of reality that stuck to me was realizing that people want you to be a victim. When you're a kid and when you get older as a woman. When something tragic happens in your life people are quick to label you as a victim. I never felt like a victim as a child until people started to put that label on me. I was a victim of "Daddy Issues".Let me make this clear, I do not have "Daddy Issues". I have a father figure in my life that I identify as my father, my dad and my main source of everything that is a father figure. I also have a man that use to be in my life that I identify as someone who just provided my DNA and let my mother do the rest. Does that make me bitter? Not really. I stopped being affected by this mans actions (or lack thereof) when I was 10 years old. I remember this day to the T. On this day, he told all of us that he will be there at a certain time to pick us up to see him. We waited and waited. He didn't show. We just thought he was late. One by one we eventually gave up waiting for him and continued to play video games in my room. It was probably 11pm or midnight, but me being a kid I felt as though it was 2 in the morning. I looked for my little brother cause he wasn't in the room with us. I looked in the living room and he was still in his clothes. Shoes, hat, coat, and everything. Asleep on the couch waiting for my biological father to arrive. Oh no. I had it. This hurt me more than anything. He's the little brother that was mean to everyone, just a natural born jerk. So seeing him vulnerable and probably hurt made me so angry. Since then, I gave up and I expected nothing from him.
Flash forward to my 18th birthday, I completely disowned this man. I've decided to have nothing to do with him outside of my grandmother (his mother). I told him I didn't want him at my graduation cause he did not participate in anything that leads up to it. He didn't put up a fight either. Between 18 and 21, my mother tried to get me to talk to him more since I'm an adult and I could probably talk to him as an adult. I didn't bother. As the child, I shouldn't have to be the one to initiate conversation and a bond between us that he severed by himself. Therefore, I didn't try. My grandmother died January of 2017. She and I were really close. We talked frequently after I turned 18. I knew she was relaying our conversations back to him, but it didn't bother me because I knew she was coming from a good place. When she passed I felt my heart being ripped out of my chest. I wondered how he was doing, he just lost his mother. I could never and WILL NEVER understand that feeling. I saw her the day before she passed and of course, he was right by her side. It was odd, I had off that day and I had something else to do that day. But once I got the message that she was really sick, I dropped everything and spent $35 on a Lyft to go see her. I'm sure this was her way of getting us to see each other, in a weird way. And I spoke at her funeral and spoke of memories between us with the rest of my siblings. The saddest part about it? He had to leave the room. He didn't remember those memories that we had with his mother. If any ounce of me thought that would make him want to get to know us more... I was wrong. I don't think I've heard from him since then. I'm sure I haven't seen him since that day.
Am I affected by it? Not really. So why do I feel the need to type that particular "Reality" of mine? Cause it started my make up as a person. Watching a man have four kids with a woman, treat her like absolute trash DESPITE her being the mother of his children and him deciding it was OK to hit her on top of all of that... It started my make up as the person I am today. It made me appreciate a single mothers struggle so much more as I grew up. It made me make sure I never gave any man that kind of power or that kind of hold on me. It made me say every day that "I am a strong independent black woman that don't need no man." This is exactly where it stems from. I love my dad more than anything, he has been there for me since I was seven years old. He's been to every event in my life. Drama club shows, talent shows, 8th grade social, all four years of prom that I've been invited too. My ups and downs and all. So if anyone asks, I will tell them: "He is my father. I can't have daddy issues if my daddy didn't do anything wrong."
I believe this was my senior year of high school.
Girl, that was a lot. I'm glad I got that off my chest and set the record straight. There's so much more to the story but you know how this works. Just a small article in my book of "Reality". Thank you for sticking around and actually reading.
That's it. Thank you for reading.
