Yes, I'm A Quitter

You have definitely heard people say to you, "It's good to have high standards!" Well for me having high standards hasn't been the most beneficial thing in my life. Don't panic, I'm not saying that striving for greatness is bad or that you should have no standards; I'm simply saying that I would have been happier if I could just participate in things because I enjoyed an activity instead of striving to be "the best." For me, by high standards I also mean nearly high to a point where I am delusion-ally obsessed with perfection. I ended up engaging in a plethora of activities and getting quite "good" at them but not really having any fun or feeling fulfilled by them. Because I grew up with this clear message that said "You have to be the best, you have to do better than I did," there wasn't a lot of room for enjoyment.

I use to play the violin. I use to play tennis. I use to draw.

Drawing is the only activity that I still kind of do, as it was one that I took up with my own initiative instead of being forced to. I'm going to be honest. I hated playing the violin. I always felt so pressured to improve rapidly and sure enough I did. I ended up being a good violin player. I could have been great if I had any true interest in it. If the violin was an instrument that I picked myself and I practiced on my own, it would probably still be in my life. However, playing that instrument represented a time of my life where I didn't get to make a lot of my own choices. Because I started playing the violin when I was 10 and it has been so long, I forget that the decision wasn't even mine. I finally quit about a year and a half ago. You can label me as a quitter, but that was the healthy decision. Now that I had some time to reflect, I feel that later on I might be tempted to pick the violin up. This time I won't have any standards, I'll do it just because I miss the nostalgia and enjoy playing music.

Playing tennis was mostly my idea. I started playing when I was 14 years old and immediately I was drawn to how complex the sport is and how tennis balances grace with strength and sophistication. I ended up carrying my high standards and my inability to just "chill out" and "let and let live" with me to tennis. I began to work my ass off: getting private lessons, doing multiple weekly lessons, playing everyday, going to the gym just to do exercises specifically geared towards tennis. I think what went wrong in tennis for me was that I was so lost in some false standard that I stopped having fun: it was not really a game. I was constantly ruminating about the past and how I should have started playing when I was 10 and then I might be winning sections in the middle of my high school career and playing at college. I was too involved in the could haves and should haves to the point where I no longer enjoyed myself. I ended up quitting tennis after the end of my senior season on varsity tennis. I have not stepped on a tennis court since.

The only positive thing is that my mindset has evolved significantly since my all or nothing days and I have been able to get involved in activities on my own accord and ones that I find fulfillment in anyways. So now you can catch me at your local yoga place instead of on the tennis court.