Graduation terrifies me.
I mean, hell, I've been in undergrad for five years and still don't have a clue. It's like college allowed me to screw up and it was okay because I was in college. Now I won't have that barrier or shield anymore where I can use the phrase "I'm a college student," as an excuse for screwing up, quitting a job, or not having any money in my bank account.
I think I'm afraid to leave the nest like I'm a little bird and college is trying to force me to spread my wings and fly by spoon feeding me responsibilities, maturity, and car insurance.
I have developed a love-hate relationship with college. College has given me the best and worst times of my life. It allowed me to discover who I want to be in life, how I want others to see me and most importantly how I want to see myself.
This is supposed to be the happiest time of my life to be able to say I'm a college graduate, but instead I'm worried about not being to find a good job after graduation, stressing about bills before they exist, and scared my mom will stop paying my car insurance.
I don't want to grow up.
It's hard to believe I'm five years removed from high school, which means I'm five years away from my 10-year high school reunion. I don't want to be the person who shows up to the reunion with nothing to brag about. I don't want my next five years to be a waste of time.
Don't confuse my concerns of graduation with ungratefulness, because that's not the case. I'm super excited to be graduating this semester, but I'm also really scared.To hear my name called as I walk across that stage will be everything I worked hard for. All these failed classes, switching majors, working on papers until 3 a.m. will all be worth it when I move that tassel to the other side of the cap.
But I'm scared of not achieving anything, being a disappointment to my family. I'm afraid of not finding a job in my field. Though, what I'm most afraid of is myself. What if I'm too great at my job? What if I don't find a job in my field and still love it? What if, just what if I am successful?
The thought that I can do anything I put my mind to can set me up for failure and that's what terrifies me the most.
