One year.

One full year.

One full rotation around the sun without the greatest person to walk this earth.

I'm slowly getting used to using past tense words rather than present, and just teaching my self to remember you are no longer with us.

No more holidays. No celebrations. No home cooked dinners, especially when I'm home. Nothing

It's amazing to think that someone could just cease to exist just like the years you were alive didn't happen and we are forced to move on and pretend we're okay. I am still struggling to be completely honest. I can't even listen to the song I dedicated to you without the want to crawl under a rock, I can't even look at your obituary without wanting to go back to bed even though I know you would drag my sad self out because you were never hip to sulking, which is why I keep going.

They say that you should listen to your favorite song before you go to bed for a better morning but what am I to do when your voice was that song and your laugh a poem I will never get the pleasure to hear again? I was never prepared for this. No one handed me a book on how to efficiently grieve because maybe id be a little better when it comes to you but then again my softest spot was always for you.

This year was a year of a lot of change for everyone. Everyone's getting their lives together for the best and I'm just going to go out on a limb here and say its because of you. I know personally it kicked me in the ass and forced me to try harder in school, we both know that being knocked down can't keep us down for long. Yeah I have had a lot of cringe worthy moments that you would shake your head at but hey I'm on a trial and error basis with this whole adulting thing and no Grams to confide in. I am doing my best to make sure that my family and friends have a good understanding of how much I actually adore them even though I don't show it often because losing you taught me to appreciate every moment with your loved ones...you'll never know when its the last. And that nothing is worth the sacrifice of my mental sanity and here I am doing better and finally focusing on myself. Life seems to be looking up and I pray that you can see all this. Have you seen how big the kids are getting? or the new sports my brothers are in? they wear your obituary under their pads to make sure you're always with them. Have you seen the girls' cheer and dance performances? They are getting so good. Or your youngest get married? my goodness his bride was beautiful and I think you would have definitely liked the color scheme. Or my crazy trip I took to a different state for school? you would have loved it.

I make a lot of references towards you but not actually talking about it and I constantly think about you but it doesn't bring me completely to tears, at least not all the time. I am going to speak for everyone and just thank you for everything you taught us and all the sweet memories you gave us because love conquers all. Your fighting spirit, sassy/quick attitude and magnetic personality are things we will ALWAYS remember. always.

No I don't talk about this often or even in depth at that because I just honestly can't do it. It's still a sore wound but writing these articles is the closest because I know someone out there needs this too. So here you go.

One year without and a lifetime to go but I hope you see all this, I hope you visit us and I hope you're proud but I know you'll be giving your silent input every step of the way.

I love you most. Forever my sunshine.