These past couple of years it seems as if everyone's favorite form of procrastination during finals week has become back-stalking friends on social media as to publicly expose their lack of social media prowess during their formative years. I have found this practice to be endlessly entertaining, so I decided that as this academic year has come to a welcome end, I would dive headfirst into my Twitter archive to reveal how much I've grown since finals week of the Spring 2015 semester.
Here's what I've uncovered.
In the past year I...
Started several social media campaigns with varying success:
New hobby: whenever someone slams a door I open mine and scream "STOP SLAMMING DOORS 2K15." Will repeat until I am elected to office. (5/9/2015)
Just watched someone get clotheslined by a selfie stick being held out a car window. #stoppeople2k15 (5/27/2015)
#DrinkMoreWater2k16 (1/2/2016)
#BringBackTheFacebookPoke (4/27/2016)
Tried out a lot of fad diets, toast related and otherwise:
My toaster oven is the only one who really understands me. #toast (5/12/2015)
People need to chill with putting avocado on toast. (5/21/2015)
*eats nine pieces of toast* (5/25/2015)
I ate too much toast. (5/25/2015)
*drowns sorrow in lasagna* (10/18/2015)
On this trendy peanut butter cup and gatorade diet. #midterms (3/7/2016)
On this incredible cleanse where I only eat pop tarts and hot cheetos. The secret is to follow every meal with a Nos. #refreshed #eatclean (4/7/2016)
Engaged in productive political discourse:
When u have limited data access so ur tweets are all political af bc u dong have time for this casual twitter nonsense (9/30/2015)
*is too liberal to function* (3/3/2016)
Carly Fiorina is so out of touch she makes Hillary look hip. (1/12/2016)
Unclear if Sarah Palin's endorsement of Trump was just a really bad slam poem. #lmk (1/25/2016)
Livetweeted #ColgateCaucus (2/2/2016)
Just referred to Bernie supporters as a fandom and I don't think I'm wrong ??? (3/10/2016)
Outlined the characteristics I look for in a significant other:
Share my Odyssey articles so I know it's real. (3/8/2016)
Engage with me across social media platforms so I know it's real. (3/11/2016)
You had me at "I just donated to to the @BernieSanders campaign. (3/31/2016)
Drank a frightening amount of coffee:
I would like approximately 19 more cups of coffee please. #sendhelp (5/23/2015)
One of those days when you order an "iced coffee with extra coffee." #relatable (7/18/2015)
Large Dunkin Iced at 9:45pm? Yes, please. Thank you. #finishthispaper (2/25/2016)
THE COFFEE IS WEARING OFF #SENDHELP #REPENT (2/25/2016)
Ah hello Dunkin Iced at 10PM. It's been too long. #midtermsgotmelike #dying (3/10/2016)
I've spilled coffee on myself three times today and I've only had two coffees. #panic (4/13/2016)
Interacted with a couple of my idols:
Fairly confident that @marcmaron is the only grown adult person on twitter who knows how this platform is supposed to work. #catsandrage (1/7/2016)
At least I know @redbull will always be there for me (2/26/2016)
Why aren't you listening to K. Flay right now? Go forth and jam. #mondayvibes (4/19/2016)
Hit rock bottom:
New rock bottom: trying to lick a muffin crumb off my phone while still reading the article on the screen. (10/12/2015)
Why is there no more honey mustard in the Coop? WHY. #why (1/19/2016)
Do you ever find yourself just super spaced out and scrolling through your Venmo feed at 2AM? Yeah, me neither. (1/12/2016)
Currently nursing a cover photo with zero likes and I think this might be rock bottom. (4/21/2016)
Was college af:
You know you're a college student when you call it a handle of detergent. (10/24/2015)
Just ate a salad out of a saucepan because I'm college af. (2/10/2016)
Watching the X Files on Netflix while sitting on a giant inflatable slice of pizza...because I'm college af. (2/10/2016)
When u want to go to bed but u can't because the frat you live in is next to another frat and both are loud af. #SPW (4/16/2016)
Using an infinity scarf as oven mitts. #justcollegethings (4/30/2016)
Actually did some schoolwork:
Writing a response to a reading where the author's name is J. Z. and I keep shouting "ITS YA BOI HOV" in my head. (2/22/2016)
10K going out to all the homies who have supported/enabled me on twitter during all of my school work related struggles #ilysm (3/11/2016)
Pretty sure that 600% of the credit I get for participation in classes is me being the only one to laugh at a professor's jokes. #noshame (3/22/2016)
Was clearly prepared for adulthood:
"Getting strippers is just going to be a logistic nightmare." #yeah (8/15/2015)
"Like thanks I tried adulthood but where are the Crayolas." @zeev_julia (6/27/2015)
Just registered to vote. #adult (8/10/2015)
Was social media obsessed:
tbh I defs want my demise to be livetweeted. (5/20/2015)
You know you're good at Twitter when your friends start accusing you of impersonating them on the internet. #smh (7/14/2015)
My mom texted me last night saying she was worried about me because I hadn't been tweeting. (3/14/2016)
"Finstagrams:" A Case Study in Becoming Irrelevant (03/28/2016)
Someone came up to me last night to tell me they loved me on instagram and I think I've peaked. #instafamous (4/9/2016)
Peace out, Colgate. I'll see you senior year.
Learn how to stalk your own archive here.
Follow me on Twitter here and see if I ever grow up.
