The Impact A Year Made On My Depression

The Impact A Year Made On My Depression

A lot can change in a year if you let it.

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A year ago almost to the day I went into a state of depression. I had just left all of my friends at my dream school to move back into my mom's house and go to a community college back home. There were many reasons why I left, but none of them could justify this huge life decision that I was making. I was mad at the world for putting so many obstacles in my way. I tried to overcome them for awhile, but I finally realized that I was just postponing what needed to be done.

It was my second semester of school and I had just moved back into the dorms after winter break. I was so excited to reunite with my friends after being gone for so long. I went to my first day of classes and everything was going good. When the time came to buy books, they were about double the price I had anticipated. This wasn't the first time something like this had happened. After talking it over with multiple family members and a lot of prayer, I decided to pack all my stuff up-only just moving in two days prior, and headed home. This was a huge deal for me because getting into my dream school was a huge accomplishment, and now I'm leaving shamefully.

I had a really good scholarship for a community college back home that most of my friends decided to take advantage of, but I was so excited to get out of this town that I was willing to do anything. I went to this super cool/fun university and now I am back at home living with my mom going to a community college. I was so full of shame and regret, I felt as if I had let everyone down. Lets just say it was hard for me to process this.

The day I left all I remember is crying so much that I was severely dehydrated. I shouldn't have even been driving because I was such a wreck I was afraid I might cause one. I get home, schedule my classes online so I don't get behind, but mainly so I didn't have to leave the house. And that is exactly how I was for months on end. I sat at home spending an hour doing homework and the rest of my time staring at blank walls. I didn't hardly eat or sleep at all. I never left the house unless my mom forced me-because she was worried about me. Anytime we went anywhere I would cry hysterically the whole time. She tried everything to cheer me up, but I was convinced everyone hated me so I could do nothing except cry. There is not many words for this. I just felt alone.

My mom finally uses the tactic of keeping me busy. She started helping me look for jobs-which was a nightmare until I finally found one. I brought up all the joy I could for the interview, and I get a call maybe an hour later saying I got the job. For some reason this made me happy cry-for the first time in months the tears weren't a bad thing. I started listening to more positive music to help motivate me at work. If something made me upset, I hid it and looked at it with a positive attitude. I didn't want to do anything that could jeopardize this. I suddenly had less time to think about how sad I was and more time put all my energy and focus into my work. From there things started getting clear. What I wanted and who I wanted to be in life.

Every day I wake up and I try to have a positive impact on those around me. I try to be that person that reaches out if there is something wrong. I do this because that is all I needed, and you never know what someone's home life is like. Here I am a year later doing what I love with people who have helped me along the way. I have the same amazing job with a few new great friends. I can still remember the exact songs that I listened to whenever I was coming out of my depressed state and whenever I hear them now I just can't help but smile. A year can do so much for your life, you just have to find that one thing that helps you make it through everyday.

"It's a bad day, not a bad life"

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A Letter To My Freshman Dorm Room As I Pack Up My Things

Somehow a 15' x 12' room became a home.

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Dear Geary 411,

With your creaky beds, concrete walls, and mismatched tile floors, you are easily overlooked as just another room we were randomly assigned to— but you were different. Inside your old walls, I have made some of the best memories of my life that I will hold on to forever.

Thank you for welcoming my neighbors in with open arms who quickly became friends who didn't knock and walked in like you were their own.

I feel like an apology is needed.

We're sorry for blaring the music so loud while getting ready and acting like we can actually sing when, in reality, we know we can't. Sorry for the dance parties that got a bit out of control and ended with us standing on the desks. Sorry for the cases of the late-night giggles that came out of nowhere and just would not go away. Sorry for the homesick cries and the "I failed my test" cries and the "I'm dropping out" cries. We're sorry for hating you at first. All we saw was a tiny and insanely hot room, we had no idea what you would bring to us.

Thank you for providing me with memories of my first college friends and college experiences.

As I stand at the door looking at the bare room that I first walked into nine months ago I see so much more than just a room. I see lots and lots of dinners being eaten at the desks filled with stories of our days. I see three girls sitting on the floor laughing at God knows what. I see late night ice cream runs and dance battles. I see long nights of homework and much-needed naps. Most importantly, I look at the bed and see a girl who sat and watched her parents leave in August and was absolutely terrified, and as I lock you up for the last time today, I am so proud of who that terrified girl is now and how much she has grown.

Thank you for being a space where I could grow, where I was tested physically, mentally and emotionally and for being my home for a year.

Sincerely,

A girl who is sad to go

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When Was The Last Time You Were Alive?

If you can't post it for everyone to see, was it truly a remarkable moment?

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Being alive is an essentially effortless act.

In theory, as long as you're eating food, drinking water, and performing as a human, assuming no major health conditions, most of us are living.

The tragedy I see most often is so very few of us are alive.

Now, I'm not suggesting you drop your textbooks and sprint up a mountain, or go broke trying to find yourself in new activities and events.

That's the illusion pressed onto so many of us. Social Media, more importantly, FOMO, has taught us that in order to truly be alive we need to make sure we travel far and wide, eat gourmet and unique food, and essentially, immerse ourselves in something phenomenal. However, regardless of what you do- don't do it without an audience and the value of your experience will only be justified by the number of likes you accrue on your #bestvacation ever because you #lovenature. With your back to the camera and wispy hair flowing in the beach air, you hit all of your angles, how else will you prove that you're alive to Instagram?

I fell for this too. I spent so much of my life constantly trying to get to the next phase life had to offer. High school was fun, but I was counting the days until graduation. Growing up in a small hometown wasn't awful, but I had sticky note calendars until my next vacation. And day in and day out, events would happen all around me that were just too "normal." I wasn't alive, but I was living.

Setting your soul on fire and truly living is so much more difficult than you could ever expect, but not because you have to drain savings and take along a buddy to snap all the perfect moments.

Choosing to be alive is realizing how important it is to be in this moment or phase in life and accepting it for all its worth. Instead of racing to the finish line or trying to sprint into your next season of assumed happiness, take time to notice all the beautiful and small things that make this moment so important. There is so much life to be found in simple moments.

Semesters are ending, we are all racing to summer. Perhaps in the process, take note of the routine cafeteria worker that constantly smiles at you and says hello. Or perhaps, giggle at the fact that in just a few short weeks that bus driver you see every single morning won't be apart of your morning routine.

The farther I get from what used to be my normal, the more I miss that season of life. I haven't lived in my hometown since I was eighteen, but I miss the simplicity that came with my drives to high school listening to Kanye West and the coziness of a small town opening its doors to start a new day. I never stopped to be alive in those moments, I was just simply living.

Wherever your next phase of life might be, it will always be there. You will always have something else coming. However, once this moment is gone. It's truly gone. Don't waste beautiful views trying to capture just the right picture for Instagram, take in the moment.

Living and experiencing life can be as simple as trusting that you're exactly where you need to be in life. Cherish each moment as you're in it. The next moment is coming whether you're ready or not.

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