Today's date has had a big red circle overwhelming the otherwise blank page in my planner for months. Although, I didn't really need any reminders as to why today stood out. I've been dreading this date since last year, and I will dread it again over the next several years.
A year ago today, your body was finally too tired to carry on and you left your life on Earth.
I've spent a lot of time figuring out how to word this article. How I could make people want to hear what I had to say, or relate to what I am writing. There have been times where I wanted to delete this whole thing and not say anything. This is such a delicate topic and death strikes different nerves with different people. I didn’t even know where to start this article, much less what I wanted and needed to say. But here it goes:
A year ago today you were free from suffering, but I still don't know how to express the pain I've felt since the day you left.
You gave me a year of feeling confused and slightly bitter. A year of not understanding why you were taken away from me, or why I couldn't handle the loss as well as I'd hoped. I've wondered why I've had to seek grief counseling, and why I was seemingly the weakest one dealing with the loss.
A year ago today you moved universes away and I haven’t seen you since.
You gave me times of sadness and times of reminiscing. There have been times where I couldn't look at your pictures without tearing up, and other times where I've slept with photos of you under my pillow. I've looked back fondly at many of the memories we shared and stories you've told, but I find myself craving to learn more. Some days, I feared I didn't really know you at all.
A year ago today your voice grew quiet, but I am still reciting your fantastic stories.
You always told me never to cry myself to sleep over anyone. Lately, the mascara smears on my pillow weren’t because of some boy, they were because of the nights I spent crying over you. Crying over unspoken words, emotions or life events I've had to experience without you. Crying over how I desperately wanted to call you and tell you how I was thinking about transferring universities. I know we would've talked through every option. I also know you would have been happy because I decided to move closer to home.
A year ago today your line was permanently disconnected, and I haven’t been able to pick up the phone and call you since.
It's been 365 days since you died. 365 days of writing letters, releasing balloons and screaming to the sky in hopes that some way, my words and love will reach you. I've had days where the sadness has been too unbearable and I silently hoped I would sleep through the day, until I could wake up and forget the agony that overpowered my soul.
A year ago today, I lost one of my best friends.
I love you, Grannie.
Strange, isn't it? Each man's life touches so many other lives. When he isn't around he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he?
- It's A Wonderful Life
