Writing is really, really difficult. I cannot and never will be able to stress that enough. For example, I only became capable of writing that first sentence after I spent a solid 15 minutes staring at my blank computer screen like I was a deer in headlights. Pink Floyd's song "Dogs," from their 1977 album "Animals" played all the way through before I put even one word down. That's 17 minutes, for all of you non-Floydians out there. In all seriousness, what is it about writing that is so difficult for me? Why can't writing and I just have a solid working relationship with no trepidations and no awkward feelings? The answer is quite simple, really: it's love.
Everybody has a passion for something. Whether it be for a sport, for a profession, or for a loved one, everyone has that something that helps them get out of bed in the morning, face the day with their head held high and say "I'm going to work hard today so I'm that much closer to my goal tomorrow." For myself, that passion has always been writing, and the goal has always been to be great at it. This desire stems from my earliest days, which were the days of Roald Dahl novels and "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" on TV. Those stories sent my young self into a fever pitch. They solidified my admiration for these stories, and my dream to one day write or create something that excites an individual the same way "The BFG" inspired me. You're telling me people get paid to write about four pizza-loving turtles that save New York with their ninja abilities? Sign me up, man. I love these stories, and I love writing. That's why it's so damn hard.
It's because I love writing so much that I hate writing. Make sense? If not, allow me to explain. Writing for both yourself and other people is daunting, let me tell you. What if I write something terrible? Worst of all, what if I write something that somebody wastes their precious time to read, and they hate it? I have needlessly programmed those fears into my brain; I'm the creator who, by his own volition, laid the foundation of his personal writer's block.
I fear that I might do wrong by both myself and my potential readers. The ideas in my mind are my children, birthed by the admiration and fondness for the works I read as a child that put me on this path. My writer's block exists to prevent me from even trying, which seems like a foolproof plan to not mess up. You can't bore someone to death with your own writing if you don't even put the pen down on paper, right? That, dear readers, is how you fail at being a writer! I am aware of this philosophical paradox, yet I allow it to hinder my abilities to this day.
Whenever I open my notebook to work, the blank page staring back at me is both the most exhilarating and most frightening thing in the world. On one hand, I have the emptiest and most malleable of canvases, where entire universes and complex characters can be created by simple movements of my wrist and the pen in my hand. On the other, there is a blank page staring at me, taunting me, saying "Come on Mr. Writer, chase that dream of yours." More often than not, I allow that negativity to settle in and get the better of me, and fail to even get a word down.
Writing is the devil that looms over my shoulder; the devil that I know is right behind me, but refuse to face. I want to throw myself into the profession completely and share my ideas with the world. I want to be able to so easily and effortlessly dust off the box ideas that sits within the recesses of my mind and transfer its contents onto the page in front of me and finally witness the birth of something that is hopefully grand. Like I said, though, it's really, really difficult.
This is not all to say that I never write in my free time. I mean, we've all gotten through this article, haven't we? Sure, it all reads like ramblings of a madman, but we're almost at the end and I want you people to like what I have to say, so stick with me!
Like any relationship, writing and I judge the strength of our bond on a day-to-day basis. Some days, writing is really frightening and not easy to work with, so I avoid it completely (there's that paradox again, people). On other days, however, I totally am willing to work with writing and not let it freak me out, and I absolutely burn through empty notebooks. On the good days, if I were to get paid by the word, I would be a millionaire, guaranteed. On those good days, I feel like a champ! But then the fear of being a bad writer settles in by the time I go to bed, and the cycle begins anew.
One day, I will overcome this fear wall and absolutely crush this writer's block. That day will be the first of hundreds where I will feel as though I'm that much closer to my dream. Until then, I'll be here, every week, improving, and you all get a front row seat. Thank you for reading. I'm going to go spend more time than I should writing my next piece. I'll be a better writer by then. I think.
