I will never forget the moment I found out you were gone. My whole world came crashing in around me, flooding me with every emotion imaginable. Anger, sadness, and absolute grief crashed over me and I was sure that I would never feel the same again. If there is a God, why would he take away the one person that I knew I would always be able to turn to? Why would he take away a wife, a mother, a sister, a grandmother, and a friend? Years later, I am still in shock, but I feel you with me everywhere I go.

I will admit, I didn’t grieve the way I should have at first. I suppressed any type of sadness that I had in fear that it wasn’t my place to feel that way. The only time I cried was at your funeral, but even then, I never let out the kind of sadness that was bubbling inside of me. I knew that someone so incredibly important was just ripped away from me and my logic set it and told me that no amount of sadness or grief would bring you back. You were gone forever. I hated the world, I hated life, I hated everything about living because I couldn’t have my best friend and role model by my side.

A few weeks ago, I went and saw your grave for the first time in a very long time. I walked up the long and winding path to your nitch and just stood. I stood there for a very long time and cried and talked. At first, it felt stupid. I felt like I was talking to myself, but then I realized that you are always going to be there. That you are always going to be there to hear me and listen to me and support me, even though you might not physically be here with me.

So as sad as I am that you are gone, there are so many positives that have come from this. First, I understand what it means to take someone for granted ever since you were taken away from me. Second, I have learned to love life a little more and cherish the moments that are given to me because you never know when things are going to be ripped away from you. Finally, I have been blessed with a guardian angel that is with me every moment of every day.

I feel you everywhere. Sometimes the wind will blow and I will smell you. Sometimes little things happen and I realize that it’s probably you screwing with me or letting me know that you are still around. Sometimes it can be scary, but I love it because I know that it’s you.

Thank you for being around even when you can't necessarily be present. Thank you for letting me feel you and for watching over me every moment of every day. I appreciated you when you were here, but I have a whole different level of appreciation for you now. I know that you are watching me move through life and cheering me on every step of the way. I know you would be proud of me and I know that one day I will see you again and be able to thank you for everything that you have done for me, even in the time you were gone.