Writing is absolutely scary. You write and you write and you say you're ready until you think you are and then you just freeze. Because now you know everything you put to paper is going to exist in the world forever. What do you say? How do you break the ice? What about first impressions? Now you have writer's block.
Writer's block turns into a traffic jam on the parkway because of a car accident down the road. It's tragic. Like the driver sitting in traffic, you don't know what's going on. What's the holdup?? I'm waiting for that epiphany and that guilt and that "oh wow" reason just like the driver stuck in traffic will have as they pass by the cops and ambulance. But there is no "oh wow." There is no epiphany. Just guilt and fear of not writing even though deep down you want to.
I keep telling myself "no one cares what you write, so just do it", but I want people to care. I want people to read my stuff and feel enlightened or moved in some way. Maybe that's a big burden to bestow on myself, but that's how badly I want my work to be good. I'm crazy enough already to think it's good enough to share with the world, my world, and now I just want to prove it to myself that I can do this. That unlike all my other projects I can stick to this one. I've been slowly burying my art for so long and I need to start digging it out again. I miss it.
I put too much pressure on myself, I know this. I don't know why or when perfection came into my life and disrupted it. I just know I'm slowly, very slowly, getting better at letting go of perfection and calming down. I just want to write and be great and do what I want to do and let my writing do what it needs to do for whoever decides to read it. I just need to shut up and write. It'll matter to someone, someday. Hopefully, it will matter to you.