I have an odd personality. I'm at the crossroads between being introverted and extroverted and it always changes whenever I take those personality tests online. In talking to people, I just tell them I'm an extroverted introvert...or an introverted extrovert. It just depends on the situation. Honestly, sometimes it's super hard being caught in the middle.
One thing I do know is that I have a voice. It's just that it's so different from the voice everyone else hears. Everyone hears the voice that has no thought. The one formed from immediate response to conversation. They don't hear the voice inside of me that expresses so many feelings deeper than I can shape into words. If those words do try to come out, they are fragmented and shallow. They are never what I intended because it's just so hard for me to express them. I don't understand it sometimes, so I'm sure my friends don't either.
The written word has always been the platform for my voice. As a writer, I want to have deep and meaningful conversations but all they come out in is in trifling sentences. One time in middle school when I wanted to apologize to a friend I wrote her a note and read it to her because I couldn't even explain my apology to her without miscommunicating. My internal dialogue is constantly rushing but my thoughts are translated into an external conversation filled with insincerity. You need to know this if you are my friend.
To my friend who is hurting, I hurt for you, I just don't know how to express it. I can send you a text or write you a card but I worry you think I'm insincere when you come to me to talk. I care about you so, so deeply, and I'm sorry that I can't show you that apart from writing. I want to be a comforter. I want to be someone you can confide in. I hope you understand.
To the people who may be put off by me, I understand. I'm filled with so many thoughts and the easiest ones to say just come rushing out. It causes me to say things that I never let go of. A conversation I will replay over and over in my mind and I will analyze each bit of it and wish I wasn't so blunt or awkward. I envy those with an ease with words. It's so easy for me to just give up and stop talking when I feel like my words will not come out in a way that fits the conversation.
To the people who are my friends, I hope you know how much I want to dive deeper into conversations with you. I am not uncomfortable with deep, I actually love deep conversations, I just always feel like I don't have anything to add because I have a hard time speaking my mind. If I could write you a long note or an article like this, I think you would understand me much better. Instead, I'm left with the words that go unsaid. I walk away from almost every conversation with regrets.
I love how God has gifted me with writing, don't get me wrong. I just need you to know I care about you. I wish I had the words to say it, but I do. I don't have the gifting of a speaker or a communicator, but I will more than willingly leave you a kind note or a text message. I will be your encouragement through a sticky note or an email. I hope you know this. I hope you can still feel like you can come to me. While I may not be the initial advice-giver, I will be the listener. I will be the random card-giver. I care so deeply, so this is what I have wanted to say to you. I hope you understand even just a little bit more and can realize there's so much more to me than meets the ear.
