Out of all of my incomplete poems, nothing comes to mind. I could just wing it and write a poem that I do not care about, but no, I don't want to fall to that level. I want to face the fact that I can't write anything, and detail my thoughts about it.
Why can't I think of anything? Why am I drawing a blank? Have I lost my touch? I used to get excited for a deadline, I would be prepared a week ahead. If only I cared enough- wait, no it's not that. I do care.
So what is it with me?
Why does my brain fail to see that I care, that I want to write, I want to escape the monotonous and mundane life that I am beginning to live more every day.
So what is stopping me? Only my hands, the fingers that are typing this very sentence are the same tools that are failing to deliver me away from this plane.
The same fingers that do not accept my request to leave from my body and into my own realm of possibility, are denying me escapism. This body knows what I've been through, doesn't it? Why can't my muscles remember the mental pain that I endured and still am reeling over from all of these years?
No, that would be impossible. I've grown so much from the mental turmoil, the painful nights where I could not sleep. The near death scenarios in my head. The scarification caused by medicines that were ill-advised to me. I've been within and experienced my body and my chemical imbalances, but why can't my body remember with me?
Oh, there I go again. I take a common thing, experienced by most writers, and personalize it. "Adam, why can't you do this?" or "Adam, why would you act this way? There is no other person in the universe who can't cope like you. Be normal."
Well, this is normal for me.
To personalize things I can't control, to see through logical explanations, and taint them with my feelings and attribute their cause towards my character. But, I can handle this. I see the patterns, I can see the endless brigade of self doubt and low self esteem. And I can deal with it.
In a way, this is one of my coping mechanisms, writing straight from the brain, and onto paper.
Author's Note:
In this monologue, I explored my anxiety. My anxiety, like most clinical cases, does not only stem from worrying, but the act of worrying about worrying. The fact that I might be a wreck if one little thing goes wrong, horrifies me and an increasing number of people every day. It is important to not take the "wills of the universe" personally. Of course, I could give out advice about how to deal with anxiety, but it is not as universal as one would think. The most I can do personally is to offer my own experience, and how I can personalize general things such as writer's block.
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1. "Haunt" your friends.
Follow them into their house and cause a ruckus.
2. Sneak into movie theaters.
Going to the cinema alone is good for your mental health, says science
Going to the cinema alone is good for your mental health, says sciencewww.newstalk.com
Considering that the monthly cost of subscribing to a media-streaming service like Netflix is oft...
Free movies...what else to I have to say?
3. Sneak into the pantry and grab a snack without judgment.
Late night snacks all you want? Duh.
4. Reenact "Hollow Man" and play Kevin Bacon.
America's favorite son? And feel what it's like to be in a MTV Movie Award nominated film? Sign me up.
5. Wear a mask and pretend to be a floating head.
Just another way to spook your friends in case you wanted to.
6. Hold objects so they'll "float."
"Oh no! A floating jar of peanut butter."
7. Win every game of hide-and-seek.
Just stand out in the open and you'll win.
8. Eat some food as people will watch it disappear.
Even everyday activities can be funny.
9. Go around pantsing your friends.
Even pranks can be done; not everything can be good.
10. Not have perfect attendance.
You'll say here, but they won't see you...
11. Avoid anyone you don't want to see.
Whether it's an ex or someone you hate, just use your invisibility to slip out of the situation.
12. Avoid responsibilities.
Chores? Invisible. People asking about social life? Invisible. Family being rude? Boom, invisible.
13. Be an expert on ding-dong-ditch.
Never get caught and have the adrenaline rush? I'm down.
14. Brag about being invisible.
Be the envy of the town.
But don't, I repeat, don't go in a locker room. Don't be a pervert with your power. No one likes a Peeping Tom.
Good luck, folks.
1. The importance of traditions.
Sometimes traditions seem like a silly thing, but the fact of it is that it's part of who you are. You grew up this way and, more than likely, so did your parents. It is something that is part of your family history and that is more important than anything.
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2. How to be thankful for family and friends.
No matter how many times they get on your nerves or make you mad, they are the ones who will always be there and you should never take that for granted.
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3. How to give back.
When tragedy strikes in a small town, everyone feels obligated to help out because, whether directly or indirectly, it affects you too. It is easy in a bigger city to be able to disconnect from certain problems. But in a small town those problems affect everyone.
man in black t-shirt holding coca cola bottle
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4. What the word "community" really means.
Along the same lines as #3, everyone is always ready and willing to lend a helping hand when you need one in a small town and to me that is the true meaning of community. It's working together to build a better atmosphere, being there to raise each other up, build each other up, and pick each other up when someone is in need. A small town community is full of endless support whether it be after a tragedy or at a hometown sports game. Everyone shows up to show their support.
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5. That it isn't about the destination, but the journey.
People say this to others all the time, but it takes on a whole new meaning in a small town. It is true that life is about the journey, but when you're from a small town, you know it's about the journey because the journey probably takes longer than you spend at the destination. Everything is so far away that it is totally normal to spend a couple hours in the car on your way to some form of entertainment. And most of the time, you're gonna have as many, if not more, memories and laughs on the journey than at the destination.
man holding luggage photo
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6. The consequences of making bad choices.
Word travels fast in a small town, so don't think you're gonna get away with anything. In fact, your parents probably know what you did before you even have a chance to get home and tell them. And forget about being scared of what your teacher, principle, or other authority figure is going to do, you're more afraid of what your parents are gonna do when you get home.
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7. To trust people, until you have a reason not to.
Everyone deserves a chance. Most people don't have ill-intentions and you can't live your life guarding against every one else just because a few people in your life have betrayed your trust.
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8. To be welcoming and accepting of everyone.
While small towns are not always extremely diverse, they do contain people with a lot of different stories, struggle, and backgrounds. In a small town, it is pretty hard to exclude anyone because of who they are or what they come from because there aren't many people to choose from. A small town teaches you that just because someone isn't the same as you, doesn't mean you can't be great friends.
Everyone is Welcome signage
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9. How to be my own, individual person.
In a small town, you learn that it's okay to be who you are and do your own thing. You learn that confidence isn't how beautiful you are or how much money you have, it's who you are on the inside.
man with cap and background with red and pink wall l
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10. How to work for what I want.
Nothing comes easy in life. They always say "gardens don't grow overnight" and if you're from a small town you know this both figuratively and literally. You certainly know gardens don't grow overnight because you've worked in a garden or two. But you also know that to get to the place you want to be in life it takes work and effort. It doesn't just happen because you want it to.
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11. How to be great at giving directions.
If you're from a small town, you know that you will probably only meet a handful of people in your life who ACTUALLY know where your town is. And forget about the people who accidentally enter into your town because of google maps. You've gotten really good at giving them directions right back to the interstate.
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12. How to be humble.
My small town has definitely taught me how to be humble. It isn't always about you, and anyone who grows up in a small town knows that. Everyone gets their moment in the spotlight, and since there's so few of us, we're probably best friends with everyone so we are as excited when they get their moment of fame as we are when we get ours.
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13. To be well-rounded.
Going to a small town high school definitely made me well-rounded. There isn't enough kids in the school to fill up all the clubs and sports teams individually so be ready to be a part of them all.
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14. How to be great at conflict resolution.
In a small town, good luck holding a grudge. In a bigger city you can just avoid a person you don't like or who you've had problems with. But not in a small town. You better resolve the issue fast because you're bound to see them at least 5 times a week.
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15. The beauty of getting outside and exploring.
One of my favorite things about growing up in a rural area was being able to go outside and go exploring and not have to worry about being in danger. There is nothing more exciting then finding a new place somewhere in town or in the woods and just spending time there enjoying the natural beauty around you.
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16. To be prepared for anything.
You never know what may happen. If you get a flat tire, you better know how to change it yourself because you never know if you will be able to get ahold of someone else to come fix it. Mechanics might be too busy, or more than likely you won't even have enough cell service to call one.
orange white and black bag
Photo by Mathurin NAPOLY / matnapo on Unsplash
17. That you don't always have to do it alone.
It's okay to ask for help. One thing I realized when I moved away from my town for college, was how much my town has taught me that I could ask for help is I needed it. I got into a couple situations outside of my town where I couldn't find anyone to help me and found myself thinking, if I was in my town there would be tons of people ready to help me. And even though I couldn't find anyone to help, you better believe I wasn't afraid to ask.
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18. How to be creative.
When you're at least an hour away from normal forms of entertainment such as movie theaters and malls, you learn to get real creative in entertaining yourself. Whether it be a night looking at the stars in the bed of a pickup truck or having a movie marathon in a blanket fort at home, you know how to make your own good time.
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19. To brush off gossip.
It's all about knowing the person you are and not letting others influence your opinion of yourself. In small towns, there is plenty of gossip. But as long as you know who you really are, it will always blow over.
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You have taught me that you don't always have to strong. You are allowed to break down as long as you pick yourself back up and keep moving forward. When life had you at your worst moments, you allowed your friends to be there for you and to help you. You let them in and they helped pick you up. Even in your darkest hour you showed so much strength. I know that you don't believe in yourself as much as you should but you are unbelievably strong and capable of anything you set your mind to.
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Your passion to make a difference in the world is unbelievable. You put your heart and soul into your endeavors and surpass any personal goal you could have set. Watching you do what you love and watching you make a difference in the lives of others is an incredible experience. The way your face lights up when you finally realize what you have accomplished is breathtaking and I hope that one day I can have just as much passion you have.
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The love you have for your family is outstanding. Watching you interact with loved ones just makes me smile. You are so comfortable and you are yourself. I see the way you smile when you are around family and I wish I could see you smile like this everyday. You love with all your heart and this quality is something I wished I possessed.
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You inspire me to be the best version of myself. I look up to you. I feel that more people should strive to have the strength and passion that you exemplify in everyday life.You may be stubborn at points but when you really need help you let others in, which shows strength in itself. I have never been more proud to know someone and to call someone my role model. You have taught me so many things and I want to thank you. Thank you for inspiring me in life. Thank you for making me want to be a better person.
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Don't freak out
This is a rule you should continue to follow no matter what you do in life, but is especially helpful in this situation.
Email the professor
Around this time, professors are getting flooded with requests from students wanting to get into full classes. This doesn't mean you shouldn't burden them with your email; it means they are expecting interested students to email them. Send a short, concise message telling them that you are interested in the class and ask if there would be any chance for you to get in.
Attend the first class
people sitting on chair in front of computerOften, the advice professors will give you when they reply to your email is to attend the first class. The first class isn't the most important class in terms of what will be taught. However, attending the first class means you are serious about taking the course and aren't going to give up on it.
Keep attending class
Every student is in the same position as you are. They registered for more classes than they want to take and are "shopping." For the first couple of weeks, you can drop or add classes as you please, which means that classes that were once full will have spaces. If you keep attending class and keep up with assignments, odds are that you will have priority. Professors give preference to people who need the class for a major and then from higher to lower class year (senior to freshman).
Have a backup plan
For two weeks, or until I find out whether I get into my waitlisted class, I will be attending more than the usual number of classes. This is so that if I don't get into my waitlisted class, I won't have a credit shortage and I won't have to fall back in my backup class. Chances are that enough people will drop the class, especially if it is very difficult like computer science, and you will have a chance. In popular classes like art and psychology, odds are you probably won't get in, so prepare for that.
Remember that everything works out at the end
Life is full of surprises. So what if you didn't get into the class you wanted? Your life obviously has something else in store for you. It's your job to make sure you make the best out of what you have.
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