Fall is coming, which means that college application season is upon us. And for this year’s high school seniors, this means hours upon hours spent putting down their personal information more times than they can count, desperately searching for scholarships and, of course, the dreaded college application essay. These things are beasts, forcing applicants to reflect back on their high school careers to the point that the only thing they conclude is that they have absolutely no idea what went on these past four years. So here is a step-by-step account of how to write the perfect college application essay.
1. Dig through every scrap of paper collected thus far throughout your high school years in the hopes of finding something good enough to write about.
"There has to be something I've done in my life that’s noteworthy, right? Unless that doesn’t perfectly fit the prompt, in which case, is there something better? There has to be something better… unless someone else has something even better than that. Wait, can I write about coming in 3rd in the 5th grade spelling bee?"
2. Nostalgia
Looking back on your high school career can cause you to remember the simplistic days of freshman year, when your biggest struggle was only how cringeworthy you were instead of how much getting a diploma costs.
3. Existential despair
The next step in writing the perfect college application essay is taking the realization that you’re turning into an adult and channeling it into a full-blown existential crisis. However, once you put aside the feeling of impending doom, the excess emotion can be a great addition to your next step.
4. Write the first draft.
Just write. Put it all out there and do it. But please don’t submit that copy, because odds are it won’t be the prettiest thing you've ever written.
5. Push through more existential despair.
See also: “I’m not ready to be an adult. All I can really do is make grilled cheese.”
6. “I need a nap.”
Decompression is a great way to recharge before going back into your essay. Whether the nap takes two hours or two weeks is up to you.
7. Edit furiously.
As I’ve said before, the first draft will probably be good, but not great. Now’s the time to burn through approximately half a dozen red pens and mark that thing up until it says exactly what you want it to.
8. Take another nap.
College application essays are hard, man. Remember to relax every so often.
9. Edit even more.
Polish that thing until it practically gleams. This means doing some serious grammar analysis, because if you want to get into an institution of higher education, it would probably look better if you didn’t use “your” when you were supposed to use “you’re.”
10. Submission
Once you’ve worked on your essay so long that the sight of it makes you slightly nauseous, it’s time to submit. Take a deep breath, hit submit and relax. You’ve done everything you can now.
11. Panic
Realistically, relaxation will only last about five minutes. Pretty soon you’ll be thinking about all of the words you should’ve changed and all of the commas you should’ve added. But fortunately the stress will fade, only to come back in waves throughout the time it takes for your admission to be decided or not. You’ll be okay, though. Because even if that one college doesn’t work out, there’s always graduation to look forward to.
College application season is a rough time for seniors. Not only are they desperately trying to keep their grades up, they’re also struggling with the realization that they’re soon going to be leaving home and the life they’ve known for so long. Therefore, writing essays can be a very emotionally-charged process, so please, be nice to the seniors in your life. They’re going through a lot. And to the seniors out there, hang in there. We can do this; we’re so close. And good luck on your applications (unless you’re applying to the same schools as me, in which case I wish you luck only if I get in as well).
