Procrastinators are crafty people. They come up with the most interesting things (or irrelevant, depending on who you are) to do instead of the one thing that they need to get done. Those who procrastinate will do anything to push the necessary task until the last minute. Here are my day-by-day instructions for my fellow procrastinators writing an article.


Monday:

Remember that you have an article due at midnight on Friday.

Think briefly about what your article will be about, then start the homework that is due for your class in fifteen minutes.

Ponder what to write about in your article. Think about pulling out your laptop to start writing it.

Re-watch the first season of Grey’s Anatomy on Netflix for the fourth time instead.

When the article crosses your mind again, be sure to browse through Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, and/or Twitter to take your mind off of it.


Tuesday:

Realize you have only three days to figure out a topic for your article and to write it.

Look in the bathroom trash to find empty toilet paper rolls to use for the toilet paper roll DIY art project that you saw on Pinterest yesterday.

Spend an hour or two making the shittiest DIY art project you have ever seen, pun intended.

Take out the trash with the DIY in it.


Wednesday:

Deny that the due date is getting closer by decorating your house for the next holiday.

Clean the ceiling of the bathroom like your mom does when your judgy Aunt Sue comes over for Christmas, just to avoid starting your article.

Make a big meal and eat your feelings about writing your article.


Thursday:

Repress the thoughts of the due date being one day away.

Do the dishes made from preparing your big meal yesterday.

Reorganize your closet by type, color, and season of your clothes.

Play the game on Facebook that you have not played since 2010: Farmville.

Rationalize going to bed at 7:30 PM by saying to yourself that sleep is good for you.

Friday:

Realize that today is the day that your article is due.

Tell yourself that you deserve to have the afternoon off because of the busy week off. This consists of watching more Netflix (watch Friends for the hundredth time) and napping.

Decide to work out even though you never do, just so you do not have to write.

Finally, sit down to write your article. As you are typing realize that your nail polish is chipped. Proceed to clip, file, and paint your nails.

Make your bed, organize your dirty laundry, and wash the walls of your bedroom.

Sit back down and write half of your article. Stop. Reward yourself with a bowl of ice cream.

Sit down once again to work on your article.

Realize that it has been weeks since you shaved your legs.

Shave your legs.

Come back to your laptop and finish your article at 11:55 PM.


Instructions for next week's article:

Rinse. Wash. Repeat.