One of the things I'm most proud of is my ability to maintain friendships. I've kept friendships with people I've known since middle school and it's been incredibly rewarding. But I've also had my fair share of bad friendships where things ended in chaos. These are the friendships that have ultimately taught me the most about myself. The following might make me sound bitter, but these are all descriptions of toxic friendships I've encountered that I'm sure other people can relate to or even learn from.
The first two toxic friendships I encountered were back in elementary school. In 1st-3rd grade I had a best friend who was one year older than me. We spent everyday together and I aspired to be just like her. But she ended up being more like a frenemy (friend+enemy) than a genuine friend. She would decide who I could and couldn't be friends with. If I talked to one other person she didn't like, then I was the bad friend. It turned out to be very isolating for me because I felt like I couldn't talk to anyone else except her.
I ended up moving towns and found another friend in 4th grade. It ended up being the same situation where I was constantly being told what to do by this new friend. I was told what to wear, who to talk to, and all of our activities were centered around her. If she didn't get her way she would automatically blame me and no one else; it would always be my fault and I took the blame willingly. It got to a point where she had one of her other friends hold my hands behind my back and threatened me.
I no longer talk to these two girls and have no connection with them. Both friendships ended after I moved schools/towns. I purposefully didn't keep contact with them because escaping them was my own personal victory. Truth is, I was scared of both of them. They were both older than me and much stronger. I was intimidated and too scared to speak up for myself.
The next loss of friendship didn't happen until high school. I had found a best friend who I absolutely loved. We did everything together and we shared the same interests. She made my life much brighter and, for the first time, I was really happy knowing I had such a strong friendship with someone. But after about 2 years, the friendship began to fade. I began to see her less and saw her spending more time with others-without me.
There were a few factors behind this loss of friendship over the course of high school. One major factor was boys. I had a tendency to prioritize boys over everything else; including myself. The other factor was that she grew closer to someone else. I noticed this shift in friendship when we started hanging out with another girl and eventually, it was just the two of them hanging out. I would sit through their inside jokes, see pictures of their sleepovers, and listen to their gossip about people I didn't know. Every time I saw my friend, she would bring up her new friend and how much fun she was. I knew that our friendship had faded when it no longer felt the same. We stopped greeting each other the way we used to and conversations seemed more forced or awkward. It broke my heart. But this friendship didn't disappear completely.
Ultimately, this faded friendship was a lesson of self discovery for me. The next two years, we both took a few years to grow and eventually we rekindled our friendship. We went through separate life experiences that brought us back together, even closer than before. I know that she will be a friend for life.
The next friendship separation is the entire reason for this post. This was ultimately the friendship that hurt me the most. We became close friends sophomore year of college and decided it would be a good idea to live together. Well, that was our first mistake. I strongly believe we would've stayed friends if we had not decided to live together. Despite common roommate disagreements, things were fine for the first few months. But during this time, I didn't realize the level of toxicity that was taking place between us.
The severity of her mental and physical problems became more than I could handle and it began to affect my own mental health. Talking to her was like walking on egg shells and I felt a certain level of responsibility to take care of her. I've had roommates with mental health issues in the past, so I knew how to handle certain events that occurred. But it came to a point where trips to the hospital were almost too frequent and I would constantly worry about whether or not she came back alive. I tend to be very empathetic so whatever pain she was feeling, I would feel at some level too. Every time she cried, it would make me cry. Every time she came to me feeling anxious or depressed, I would feel the anxiety and sadness she emitted. The entire house became this constant exchange of energy that weighed on me heavily. Whenever she had suicidal thoughts, it almost felt like I had failed in taking care of her since I had become her rock to lean on.
After a while, I knew I had to create some boundaries which created blocks in our friendship. At some points, it felt like she was using her mental health as a tool against me. When something didn't go her way, she would throw temper tantrums and threaten thoughts of suicide. I would constantly go out of my way to help her. Even some of my other friends would go the extra mile to help her (like driving her to the ER at 4am), but would never receive a thank you. I felt no sense of gratitude from her. Every time she would come home from the hospital or come back to her normal mentality, it was like nothing ever happened and she would never address it again. It felt like I couldn't talk about my own problems because hers were always "so much worse." She would compulsively lie about certain things which made it hard to trust her. I realized she was a hypochondriac in the sense that every ailment was a death sentence to her.
Not only was her mental health declining, but her qualities as a roommate declined as well. I let her get away with paying internet payments late. She would leave the kitchen a mess for weeks after hosting friends and had an excuse for never cleaning it. She began to host one of her pregnant friends at our house and wanted her to move in for a solid month. She would receive notices from our HOA about her pet. Whenever I confronted her about anything it was met with a defensive response and it began to build up my frustration.
Our friendship ended in fire to put it best. I knew after a few months of keeping my distance, the friendship was leaning towards an end. She then randomly messaged me stating that she was going to be moving out of the house and finding a sub-leaser because she was no longer happy living there and wanted to spend more time with her parents.
I had confronted her a few days later about continuing to clean until she moved out and that started the final fight. She immediately became defensive and began listing off all of her problems that she claimed were preventing her from cleaning. She then started to say how I was being insensitive and that I've never done anything to help her-which enraged me. After the fight she began claiming to everyone that I had kicked her out, made the house unwelcome, and had told others that I wouldn't allow her to have people over whenever she wanted.
I was in disbelief. I didn't know how to digest the complete mess she made in my life. But mostly, I was beyond hurt because I knew that I had been taken advantage of. I realized I had been taken for granted and she would never acknowledge the lengths I went for her. What makes me the most upset is that she will forever victimize herself. She will never admit to what she did wrong and I will always be the antagonist to her. She'll never know the amount of emotional distress I had encountered because of her. After her, I went back to therapy for the first time in 4 years. I will never get an apology from her because she isn't sorry.
But in the end, this was the biggest learning experience for me. I can officially say I have grown so much stronger. I know my worth and I know the extent I'll go for the ones I care about. While I experienced different losses of friendship, I'm forever thankful for the friends I do have. If you're a best friend to me, then you're family.
