You know, it’s funny. Because my definition of love is changing as I get older and as I go through more and more in my relationship. My definition of love used to be so centered around one person, around one person giving their all and completely surrendering themselves to another person. And that’s still all a part of it. But now I understand that that’s only a part, a very small one to say the least.
Love is a two way street. It’s cliché, but I’ve never realized just how true that statement would prove to be one day. It’s great if someone gives their all to someone, pours themselves out and into someone else. That’s a beautiful thing, and I would never deny that. But that’s a love that is incomplete. Many people say that you should love without expecting anything in return. And that is true. You should love people because you love them, because they have made you better, because they have impacted your life. You should love them because they introduced you to a light inside of you that you never knew existed. Because they take handfuls of happiness and stuff them into the pockets of your jeans when you’re not looking. You shouldn’t love for the sole purpose of reciprocity. That is true. But I would be lying if I sat here and wrote that no one wants to be loved back. It’s human nature. We all yearn, crave, and actively seek love and acceptance. It’s a part of our biology.
I say that to say that one sided love is incredibly inchoate. While selfless and flattering to the recipient, loving someone who doesn’t love us back is essentially draining. And you know why? Because that old anecdote, the one that tells us to love selflessly and without a desire to gain, does a poor job of explaining that we need reciprocation. If one pours oneself out and it isn’t being reciprocated, one remains empty with nothing left to give after so long. And in realizing this I was able to change my definition of love.
Love is mutuality.
Love is giving and receiving, compromise, negotiation with a partner who wants to satisfy your needs and wants just as much as you want to satisfy theirs. Love is giving without feeling as if you’re losing something, giving without realizing because it becomes natural and because just as you’re giving, your partner gives back to you to fill that temporary void. Love is finding someone that is just as into you, just as supportive, just as willing to be flexible and accepting of your imperfections, just as willing to share their own. Love is telling someone one of your worst fears and them sharing a fear of theirs that is even more ridiculous and irrational than yours. Love is caring for someone’s wellbeing and knowing the moment you become sick, they’ll be by your side with soup, medicine, and a smile. Love is feeling secure in the relationship and knowing that they’ll be there no matter what and knowing that you won’t leave their side. Love is holding one another’s hands on the sunny days and in the midst of all of the storms in the relationship.
And you can love someone intensely. But being in love, I’ll tell you. It’s a different world.
The “in love” phenomena becomes extremely personalized. It comes when you start to find that annoying laugh musical and refreshing, or that weird facial expression adorable and unique. You find beauty within your partner’s flaws and you begin to admire them. And they begin to change you.
Suddenly you can’t sleep without their soft snore next to you. Out of the blue that scar by their eye is something you kiss constantly. Over time those birthmarks become your favorite things to look at. One day you realize your days are drastically different if you don’t speak to them. One night you realize that you never stop dreaming about them because the thoughts continue when you awake. All of a sudden, they envelop you. And you’re happy. So happy. You find joy in those things your partner found odd, annoying, or ugly about themselves. You love more, love until you’re almost bursting at the seams and until you think you can’t love anymore.
And then, you do.
This is what it all means. And it’s all because you met someone who made you think twice about what you wanted in life, what your future looked like, and if you could see one without that person in it.
