I recently got a job at my campus library, suffering through the early morning shift a few days a week. Despite the relative safety of my campus, and my theoretical commitment to employment, the walk still freaks me out – it’s dark and there are wild animals! These are the 51 thoughts everyone that works a graveyard shift on campus can relate too:

1. What is that noise?

2. Is that my alarm?

3. I don’t want to get up right now. It’s like 1:40 am. No person should be subjected to the sight of such an unholy hour.

4. Damn, I need this job, though.

5. Okay, I’m getting up now.

6. Okay now.

7. I’m so glad I packed my bag before I went to sleep. Bless me for streamlining this agony.

8. Autobots! Roll-out! (but quietly so I don’t wake my roommate).

9. Why are people showering at 2 in the morning?

10. Why are people in the lounge? Don’t you have class tomorrow? Y’all wild.

11. Why are all these doors so damn loud? I’m not trying to wake the dead here.

12. It’s very dark outside.

13. I’m going to die.

14. A troll is going to climb out from under the bridge and drag me down by my ankles and drown me in the stream.

15. Or It is going to pop out from the gutter and kill me with his creepy clown face and creepy clown voice.

16. Or some punk kid is going to prank me, and I’m going to piss my pants because It is scary at 2 a.m. all alone in the dark in the middle of campus and I am also a gullible baby.

17. Oh hey, there’s a person.

18. I’m not going to die.

19. Probably.

20. Somehow, I feel better knowing that other people are out here too. It’s a comfort that I’m not all alone.

21. As long as I see them coming.

22. Okay, five minutes and I made it back inside.

23. I’m ten minutes early. Again. I could have slept those ten extra minutes.

24. At least human interaction is minimal.

25. And I basically get paid to do my homework.

26. And be on my phone.

27. I see some weird shit at 3 in the morning.

28. Halfway done!

29. Ugh, I’m so tired. This is so boring.

30. At least I've finished my homework.

31. What am I doing with my life?

32. Someone approaches the counter! Greetings, Person-Who-is-Up-Before-the-Butt-Crack-of-Dawn! How may I help you? Sadly, I now crave human contact.

33. I hope the person who is supposed to relieve me actually shows up.

34. Done! Sweet baby Jesus, I’m going back to sleep!

35. Now for the long walk back.

36. It’s cold. And windy. And creepy.

37. No one is outside. Why is this so much less creepy in the daylight?

38. Is that a deer?

39. It’s a swarm of deer! Oh, deer.

40. High-five self; that was a great pun!

41. Do deer attack?

42. I can see the headline now: College Girl Mauled to Death by Local Deer.

43. What about skunks? I hear there are skunks on campus. And bats? Something about bats?

44. Yeesh, back over the bridge.

45. Why is it so hot in the dorms?

46. Why are there people showering at this hour??

47. Open the door quietly, so you don’t wake up your roommate. I don’t want her to hate me.

48. Drop everything and climb back into bed.

49. How many hours of sleep will I get? Five? Sounds about right. I’m doing pretty good then.

50. Thank God I only have to do this shit three days a week.

51. I have never related to SpongeBob so much in my entire life.