There are so many words I never said to you, and that was my fault. I was given an opportunity I knew I could not miss, and even knowing what was happening, I chose to leave, knowing that’s what you would’ve wanted from me. I do not believe in regrets, that was something we both shared, an understanding that everything happens for a reason, but there are times that I wish I could say these last words to you, and have you respond. While I was away, your health deteriorated, and by the time I came home, you were quiet and lost in a world somewhere in your mind.

Maybe you heard what I said to you, as I rushed to your side, after finding out that day was going to be your last here on earth, but as time has gone on I realize you might not have and that I didn’t say everything I wanted to. So here it is, the words I never got to say.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for the times I disappoint you, and come up short on living up to your name. I’m sorry for the times that I wasn’t there and for not being there to hold your hand at the end. And I’m sorry for not being able to take away your pain. Growing up you always took away mine. You were always there holding my hand, kissing every cut, and hugging me after every loss, and every stupid boy. The chance I had to give that back to you, I wasn’t there and I am sorry for that. Whether it was the right thing to do or the wrong thing to do, I am so sorry, and looking back I wish I could have made it better for you.

Thank you.

You laid out a path for me that has set me up for greatness. You have paved a path that I am honored to take and continue to try to follow everyday. More than that, you raised me to be a strong and powerful woman. You raised me to believe in the strength of everyone around me, and the understanding that if you give yourself to others and believe in them, they will accomplish greatness. Thank you for giving me your name, for loving me, for trusting me, and for always believing me.

I will be the best I can be.

You and I shared the same passions, and the same drive. Holding your name will never be an easy task to live up to, but I will do everything I can to be the best I can be. I will make sure that as you look down, you know that I am leaving myself out there and giving my all. I won’t let any opportunities slip by me, and I will continuously strive to do better, because as you always reminded me “those who stop being better, stop being good.” I promise you I will do everything I can to be all that you could have wanted for me.

We will be okay.

You were our rock, and in a far away kind of way you continue to be. I know how scared you were to leave, and to leave us here, but I want you to know we will be okay. The sting of losing you will never go away, but we will be the family you taught us to be and get each other through the tough times and make sure that we continue to live life in the same manner that you did. We will be okay down here, not the same, but okay.

I love you.

I love you more than I will ever be able to write in words, or express in actions. I love you more than this earth can hold, and continue to hold you in my heart. I hope you know how much I love you and how important you were and continue to be to me. I could say it a million times and I would still feel like I need to say it to you one more time, just like I wish I could hear you say it one more time. But I love you more than words, and miss you more than that.

After I write this, I am sure I will think of 100 other things I wish I had said to you. But I will continue to talk to you and hope that you hear the words that I speak and the ones I keep quiet. Time continues to pass, and moments continue to happen, but I always find myself stopping to look for you only to have to catch myself. I don’t think that part will ever change or that a day will eventually go by where I don’t think of you. But we are doing okay down here, and continuing in the way I know you would want. I hope your having fun up there with our family and friends and having a drink or two while you watch the days unfold down here. I love you, I miss you, and I hope you knew deep in your heart, all the words I never said.