I always knew I didn’t look like everyone else. Throughout my life, I’ve had complete strangers come up to me and demand to know my ethnicity, claiming I look so “exotic” that they couldn’t place me on their own. People still ask me where I’m really from when I state that I grew up in Massachusetts. Some have mistaken me for an international student at my high school, and others have told me that I’m not actually Asian, or Asian enough. Individuals have grabbed my arms and marveled at how hairy they are, or pointed out that I have a mustache. I’ve even had a doctor comment on my hairiness and dark skin, mentioning that it might be a sign of disease. No, I’m not sick; I’m just not white.

All of these annoying incidents didn’t bother me as much as being labeled “exotic” and “unique” bothered me. Yet when I’ve complained about how these words have hurt me, people shot back that they were compliments and that I should be flattered. Well, here are some reasons why “exotic” isn’t actually a compliment.

It is not a synonym for “beautiful.”

Common compliments used to praise one’s appearance include “beautiful,” “pretty,” “lovely,” or “cute.” Those words portray attractiveness. The word “exotic” doesn’t convey beauty. Neither does “unique.” Both words don’t describe how someone looks, but instead describe someone’s identity. These descriptors illustrate how a person is different from the people around them. Thus, they serve to make one feel detached from community, or set apart in some negative way. And that is a lonely and alienating feeling.

Words like “pretty” exist in the forefront of our minds. Common compliments are easy to pluck from the brain: they’re common because we don’t have to think too hard about which word to pick. When I see something that is pleasing to my eyes, I think it’s pretty. Telling me I’m exotic tells me that you had to think about my appearance, and that the common words to relate beauty just don’t apply to me. Basically, you’re telling me I’m not pretty.

It emphasizes one’s otherness.

According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, the word “exotic” means: “very different, strange, or unusual; of a plant or animal; not living or growing naturally in a particular area; from another part of the world”

When you call someone exotic, you’re telling them they’re not from here, that they don’t belong here. Not surprisingly, no one applies this term to white people, although in America they’re technically the foreigners. The word “exotic” is always used to describe people of color, which gives it a negative racial connotation. And when you imply that people of color are unnatural, you imply that you, as a white person, are better than us. Even though we don’t belong here, you have every right to be here. Still think calling us exotic is a compliment?

It strips one of his/her humanity.

The above definition includes the phrase “of a plant or animal; not living or growing naturally in a particular area.” When one uses the word ‘exotic” in the sense it was intended for, the same images usually pop into one’s head: parrots, palm trees, wild animals, and flowers. We think of rainforests and jungles. Therefore, it’s easy to see how applying the word “exotic” to a person can equate him/her with plants and animals.

In the moment you label me with that word, I instantly feel subhuman. Smaller. Less than. It’s simply another way for people to assert that whiteness is better, even if the speaker is not actively conscious of that fact. When you compare people of color to plants and animals, you basically say that we are no better than them. That we are not human, even though you are. This is, obviously, extremely damaging to one’s psyche.

I’m not angry at any one particular person who has called me “exotic.” I know they meant no harm, and honestly thought they were making my day a little better. I’m angry at society, at the history that has allowed racism to be so insidious that it can lie in the corners of one’s subconscious without that person even knowing it. I’m angry that “exotic” has become an acceptable descriptor for people, and at the circumstances that led to this acceptance.

So the next time you’re about to call someone “exotic” or “unique,” why not say, “I’ve never seen someone who looks like you before, but I’m glad to have the opportunity to be surrounded by so many diverse people.” Or, better yet, why not just say, “You’re so pretty!” After all, that’s what we are.