Let me qualify this with a couple statements. 1) This is not an ableist piece. I have a whole range of qualifications to call myself “mad” 2) I love my family dearly, despite the dysfunction. 3) I’m coming home for Christmas Mom and Dad, don’t worry. This refers to Thanksgiving.

Everyone’s been there. The time at Thanksgiving dinner where the bottom of your wine glass is drained in about three seconds after a particular family member says something that incites argument. Holidays can be stressful for even the most tightly knit families. When your family isn’t as functional as it could be, it can be much worse.

Before I left for college, I spent every holiday with my big rowdy family. We’re all loud, southern, and opinionated. There’s a lot of love, but it can be really stressful. Besides the incredible number of people crammed into one house, it’s a lot of talking, often mean-spirited teasing, and interrogations on what I’m doing with my life (any college kid knows that question is always fun, right?), amongst the usual family drama. I love my family, but holidays were often a draining experience that left me more frustrated than fulfilled, even when they meant well.

So, starting sophomore year, I started picking holidays to spend with my maternal grandparents, who didn’t spend the holidays with the rest of us. For the last two years, Thanksgiving has been the three of us quietly making dinner, decorating the house for Christmas, and not so quietly watching the football games (how about them Cowboys?). It’s more of a bonding experience than an event. Leaving to go back to school after the break, rather than a sense of frustration or exhaustion, I feel rested and clear headed. It feels more like a break than the usual holiday stress. And that's the point of a holiday break, to relax and unwind so coming back to school is a bit easier.

For those who live with mental illness, self-care is an important part of staying afloat. And for some, that means we have to be a bit more selective of when we spend time with people who make us more anxious, or talk about things that can be a bit upsetting. Mental fortitude tends to be a little fragile during the holidays than the rest of the year for normal people, so for those of us who don’t have the greatest mental fortitude the rest of the year, it’s not always as enjoyable around the holidays. What is the best solution? Well, it often depends on what the problem is. For me, the sheer size and volume level of my family was too overwhelming. So I tend to love them from a distance until I’m out of school for winter of summer break. Others spilt up time with certain family members- Mom and Dad for christmas, grandparents for thanksgiving, aunts and uncles for labor day. I have many friends who just avoid their families all together. This isn’t a sign that your family/friend doesn’t love you; they’re just trying to keep themselves sane and happy.

Can’t avoid the hustle and bustle? Staying busy is a great way to handle large, loud families; bring a book, headphones, and probably a power bank (everyone knows those outlets will be claimed, and you wont have to be limited to one corner). A quiet walk after dinner is a good way to refresh and unwind. You also have a right to say that you don’t want to talk about school/work/ whatever sensitive subject. You’re your own person, and you have no obligation to talk about something that you find upsetting. Problematic conversation (politics, religion, sex, etc.) is best handled by a direct subject change—or you can go with my method of coming in with full research done and win the argument. Family, although a wonderful thing, tends to forget that there are still boundaries that we shouldn’t be overstepping because we’re related. Self-care isn’t being rude, despite what they may say to you for it.

Family is awesome; holidays are also awesome. But sometimes we need to take a step back from all the insanity and take care of ourselves. It doesn’t mean you don’t love them, it just means you love yourself too. There’s no place like home for the holidays, but sometimes it's not always where you should be. But after finals, all the college students who stayed at school or went somewhere else can take a deep breath and make up for not showing up for Thanksgiving but having a great winter holiday (Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza, Yule, etc.) with the family. We’ll be home for the holidays. Just not quite yet.