Dr. Emerson Eggerichs has written a book that's now available as a group study with DVD and Study Guides. It's about love and respect. In his words, it is about, "The love she most desires," and "the respect he desperately needs." That's not to say that wives shouldn't love their husbands while also respecting them or that husbands shouldn't respect their wives while also loving them. But Dr. Emerson believes that women generally have the deepest need to be loved and men generally have the deepest need to be respected.
"Psychological studies affirm it, and the Bible has been saying it for ages. Cracking the communication code between husband and wife involves understanding one thing: that unconditional respect is as powerful for him as unconditional love is for her. It's the secret to marriage that every couple seeks, and yet few couples ever find." Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, Love & Respect
In his teaching which applies to any couple whether married or dating, we find that the power to meet the deepest need of the other and the power for great influence with him or her is to understand and utilize the power of love and respect.
This isn't something that comes naturally for either gender. Women often have difficulty showing respect to their male partner because of the ingrained feminism and culturally-accepted image of men being weak, dumb, and undeserving of honor. Men often have difficulty showing love to a woman because of the ingrained adventurer in us and the sexist view that girls are objects.
We often pursue the girl we desire by showing unconditional love and romance, but once the chase is over and we land our "prize," we slow down or even stop giving her that love she desperately needs. Women aren't prizes and men should be honored, not trashed. The Simpsons cartoon and other television shows as funny as they seem are antagonizing the genders against one another. If we want successful relationships we must learn this important truth.
Let's define love and respect. Love is defined as an assurance of affection and warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion. Dr. Emerson as well as the Bible that Christians follow, says a woman has a deep, soulful need to be loved unconditionally. This isn't to say that anything goes. But it does mean guys really need to show true devotion through thick or thin and continue romancing our girl even when the feelings fade, the adventure seems to have ended, or we think she doesn't deserve it.
Respect is defined as the quality or state of being esteemed. I know from personal experience that I couldn't put into words what I was often missing in my relationships. The girl loved me. My wife loved me. But I still felt like a need wasn't quite being met. It's respect. Guys need unconditional respect in order to grow, lead, and to live up to their potential.
In conflict, 99% of the time, you can bet that one or both of the persons involved, if it is a guy and girl, feel unloved or disrespected. Dr. Emerson says it feels like being in outer space and someone is stepping on your air hose. You can only take so much of the situation until you explode.
He advises that we believe the best in one another and recognize that most of the time, in good relationships, the other person is not intentionally stepping on our air hose. Realizing this as well as recognizing the other person's need for love or respect can help us handle conflict in a much more honest, productive way than many of us are naturally inclined to.
This subject even applies to children. The lack of respect my parents had for me as a boy with independent thoughts, feelings, and potential deeply handicapped me going into my adult years. I craved respect from others and when I didn't get it I felt wounded. Eventually, being tired of feeling hurt I unconsciously decided to be angry instead - sometimes to the point of making sure the other person is corrected, no matter what it takes.
I've learned my lessons and now as a young daddy of two toddler boys, I am purposed to showing them not only the love that children of either gender need, but also the respect that boys, in particular, desperately need.
If you are a parent or in a romantic relationship, I strongly recommend you buy this book and do your best to put it into action. There are many good reads out there, but this book, in particular, has the power to change your relationships for the better. Your thoughts are welcome in the comments below.
"However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." Ephesians 5:33
