Recently, I listened to two different men discuss their problem with pornography. They talked about the hold that it took on their life and the way that it was a poison to them. They talked about how they kept it hidden from others and how they had to fight to subdue it. It affected who they were.

Now, depending on your background, you may be thinking a few things. You may think "what's the big deal. It's their private life, who cares?" Or perhaps you think it's disgusting and you wish men could control themselves better. Maybe you're just uncomfortable because I'm talking about sex. Or finally, maybe you're like me and find yourself wishing that someone somewhere would talk about pornography and lust being a struggle for women too.

While overall sexual sin, especially in Christian circles, is hidden away there are groups that focus on that fact. Groups for men. Groups for men who feel that they're alone, meant to reassure them that they're not alone in this struggle. It's a wonderful wonderful thing, honestly. I'm so grateful that my brother's in Christ have these groups in which they can discuss their struggles and get support. But what about the women?

Pornography is not just a man's stumbling block. I was fourteen years old when I discovered pornography and I probably did so in a way similar to most boys. I had heard sexual terms that the people who spoke them refused to define. I went to google and it was all too willing to provide me with those definitions and more. That was when I first became aware that women could enjoy pornography. Thus began my silent struggle.

For a while, I didn't know that it was wrong. I didn't understand that it was problematic and today's society will tell you that it is "healthy exploration." That's a lie. It was a twisted web of isolation. There was no one I felt comfortable enough to talk to about it. My parents have never formally given me "the talk." Church groups never brought it up.

I've always found it interesting that while men are taught about how detrimental pornography is to a relationship and how they must resist sexual sin, women are told to dress appropriately. When it comes to sexual sin the overall message of the church seems to be: "Men, don't have sex or think sexual thoughts. Women, don't encourage them to do those things." There it is. The summation of my spiritual accountability.

Except not really.

No one had ever told me not to lust. No one ever told me that I was wrong for the way that I objectified men. But I knew that I was dirty. Talking about sex was dirty, watching pornography was disgusting... and that was just for men. What about women? From my understanding it was absolutely unheard of for women to lust or to struggle with pornography; I had to be some kind of sick freak.

I began a relationship in high school that quickly became sexually impure. It was a consistent back and forth between the physical desires I had strengthened in my sexual immorality and the spiritual truths I knew I needed to embrace and live out. Eventually, that relationship ended as I sought someone to support me spiritually.

Still, my struggle continued. I began to justify it to myself. It wasn't lust if I wasn't thinking of a specific person. It wasn't sinful if I only used it as a means to relax and fall asleep. It was fine. I wasn't some sick perverted woman. It was fine.

Spoiler alert: it was not fine.

I was corrupting my heart. If indeed I hadn't crossed it, I was flirting with a dangerous line. I'm in a relationship now and I recognize that I have to stick to the same standard as men. I have to abstain from such practices in order to keep pure for God and to be pure for my future husband and to honor him in our relationship as I pray he honors me. I'm not unlovable or irredeemable, but it is going to be harder now. The further you go into sexual impurity, the greater its hold upon you. I am forgiven by Christ, but my life must change. I must strive to honor him with my body, my mind, and my heart.

I really don't want to post this article. I really really don't. I'm so scared of how people will view me and of what they will think. There have only been two people in my life that I have discussed this struggle with. One of them was a girl who shared that struggle. It is because of her and the impact it had on me to know that I wasn't alone that I am going to submit this article.

To know that you're not alone in the fight is half the battle, in my opinion. Knowing that my friend struggled to reassured me that I wasn't a freak, and told me that I was understood. It meant so much to me. I know that as long as I keep this struggle hidden away in my heart it has power. So I am releasing it. I know and fear the judgment that may come, but this message is more important. We have to start talking about this proactively. Please, if you are a woman struggling with lust, know that you're not alone. You are redeemable. You are loved. You have someone willing to talk to, pray with, and support you.

Thank you for respecting my vulnerability,

God bless.