This summer, I had the pleasure of getting my wisdom teeth extracted. Like I avoid most things that involve pain and suffering, I had been avoiding this little surgery for a long time. Seriously, my mouth would ache for a least three days straight and I would vow to live in a peaceful denial. Yet, as we all know, having your wisdom teeth yanked out of your mouth is a rite of passage that almost all of us go through. We all know that it is certainly a wild ride from start to finish. Since I told the dentist that he and his assistants looked like the cast of Grey's Anatomy as I was going under, let's have them recap the stages of wisdom teeth surgery for us.
1. The drive to the dentist.
2. The procedure.
3. The aftermath.
Here's the part that you've been waiting for - the part you've told your mom to videotape so you can make it big on the Internet! Only, you're not mentally present for any of it. While you're recovering from the wonderful anesthesia, you arguably deliver your best quotes of all time. The possibilities are endless - celebrities, crushes, drugs, school, unicorns, Ellen DeGeneres, take your pick. The best part is - you don't feel anything at all (except that weird stuff in your mouth that you definitely can't identify as gauze).
4. The pain and the pills.
Sooner or later, you've come down from your lovely cloud, and it hits you like a bus. You suddenly start to feel a relentless throbbing as you slam your pathetic bowl of mac and cheese or ice cream down on the kitchen table. You've been snatched by the pain. You fight your way through gauze after gauze to get to those special pain pills. Instantly, you thank your pharmacist for supplying you with these miracle pain relievers, only you discover that you've spoken too soon. It takes about ten minutes before you are having a variety of really weird dreams that leave you passed out on your living room couch.
5. The bleeding.
You wake up the next morning, after a less than quality night of slumber. You turn and see that your pillow looks like someone from The Vampire Diaries or Twilight paid you a visit in your sleep. Actually, your bed most accurately matches the scene in The Godfather with the detached horse head. No matter how hard you try to stop it, your gums keep flowing.
6. The swelling.
Perhaps you've used the chipmunk filter on Snapchat and felt like a cute and furry little woodland creature. However, when you look in the mirror a day or two after surgery, there is no cuteness to be found. You look like either a baseball, a football, a basketball, or Sally from The Nightmare Before Christmas. Right now, you would feel beautiful if your cheeks would just look evenly swollen.
7. The diet.
You love ice cream as much as the next guy (unless your lactose intolerant, then you're in for a treat), but not this much. Smoothie after smoothie, yogurt after yogurt, soft pasta after soft pasta, you begin to lose your patience - and some weight. Yes, you may be one step closer to your fitness goals, but it's not worth it in the slightest. That box of cereal keeps taunting you in the pantry, and you start imagining that your salt rinses are a snack of potato chips.
8. You take it all for granted.
As you heal, you've slowly become a hermit who is at one with their couch. You haven't been to work or school in days, and you've dominated your Netflix queue. You've gotten used to being waited on hand and foot and are to lazy to do anything yourself anymore. But, you're starting to resemble your old self again. And as your bone structure slowly returns, so does your will to go out into the big wide world and join society once again. However, you have to admit that you'll miss these relaxing days of painful recovery.
In case you were wondering how I looked during any of these stages, here's a (heavily edited) sneak peek.
