Dear Six-Year-Old Self,
Remember thinking that being nineteen meant you had a life that was together and independent of anything?
Stop thinking that. It is the biggest lie you can tell yourself.
Courtesy of Childhood GIFs Tumblr
Next year (first grade! what a step up), you will wear pants to school for the first time. No more Mary Janes, tights, and floral dresses. Don't worry, that is a good thing.
In Kindergarten, play time is all the time and it is the time you learn some of the most soul-stirring songs such as "Staple in my Sock (Ow!)" and "Tony Chestnut". Truly life changing. This isn't sarcastic, sometimes you will hum these songs to yourself in the middle of Public Discourse in the United States course during your sophomore year of college, it's fine.
In first grade, the best part of your day is second breakfast since you get breakfast at school without your parent's permission. Rebel from the start. And this may be why you gained some more weight, but time will tell. It is where you gained a true appreciation of bagels, SO GOOD RIGHT?
In second grade, you will complete two years with one of the best teachers you ever had. As an almost twenty year old, you will still reflect on how incredible her lessons were and what fun you had in her class. Thank her. She made these two years so great that they have been ingrained in your mind up until this very moment. And you miss her every day since your second grade transition to the other end of the school.
In third grade, you will try to compete with a boy in your class that everyone sees as very intelligent. You both move onto a division sheet for math at the same time and it is at this time the film scene would cut to "We Are The Champions" and you jumping for joy. He gets into Harvard and is still one of the smartest people you know.
In fourth grade, you will gain your passion for politics and civil rights from learning about Ruby Bridges bravely going to school during the tumultuous beginning of the Civil Rights Movement (it still hasn't ended, despite what history class may tell you).
In fifth grade, you get a dog. YOU GET A DOG FINALLY IT HAS TAKEN SO LONG FINALLY A DOG THAT YOU CAN SNUGGLE WITH-he hates you. He's grumpy. But he's adorable, so you might as well deal with it.
In sixth grade, you learn from yet another great teacher about ancient civilizations, stories, life changing inventors, and artists. You decide to write a paper proposing Shakespeare was fake. You're weird.
In seventh grade, you find out truly just how brutal people your age can be to one another and you wonder why you can't look as good in those Aeropostale jeans as every other girl. Stop that. Keep your head held high.
In eighth grade-now this is a big one..
You lose one of your closest friends to suicide. This is the first time. I'm sorry to say it won't be the last. You lose your great aunt and a grandmother as well. It is the hardest year and it shapes the rest of your academic career thus far. Your mental health is deteriorating, you get taken into the hospital for mental health screening and suicidal tendencies because you have no idea how to handle your emotions. Your parents are not doing this to hinder you, they are worried and they no longer have the capabilities to do it on their own.
In ninth grade, you begin the year by "dating" (this term is loose, because dating at that age isn't really dating at all) a boy you think you really like. You break up and you're quite upset about it, but eventually get over it and now he's one of your closest friends who gives you the toughest love and often tells you to just shut up. But he's there for you and that's all that matters. You write an enormous paper on water scarcity because again-you're weird-and you become more politically vocal. Remember when you thought you would be a theater major in school? THINK AGAIN. You change your mind about this approximately thirteen times.
In tenth grade, you go down a deep spiral of depression. You get your blood drawn an abnormal amount of times, with the diagnosis of extremely low Vitamin D, yet this doesn't help you feel any better. 500 milligrams a day of a fat soluble vitamin isn't going to solve everything. In the middle of the year, you decide that you may transfer high schools. You will leave the friends you have had since kindergarten and go to a more difficult high school (at least for you). You will make the switch and your life improves vastly and so do your grades. GO YOU.
In eleventh grade, you reconnect with someone you first met while both participating in a production of The Wizard of Oz and she becomes one of your best friends. You're both extremely strange which works out fantastically, and she makes you laugh like no one else. You get into a really weird Lana del Rey phase where everything is dark and mysterious and you feel misunderstood. Snap out of it. You fall in love with New York City. You also decide to finally work on Martha's Vineyard for the summer and are away from home for two months. There is no easy way to summarize in preparation for that, therefore let me say this: prepare yourself. Your life is about to get flipped inside out, upside down, and you are not going to see it coming from any direction. It's okay, you also meet some of the best people you know and gain a second family. It's a blessing, for all that it is worth.
In twelfth grade (YOU'RE A SENIOR, DON'T PANIC-you panic a lot), you have absolutely no idea what you are going to do and think you may just live as a hermit in Nicaragua because that sounds like a very secure path in life. You lose another friend to suicide and unfortunately you have become more accustomed to dealing with it though it still rocks you to your core. You make a lot of not so impressive decisions on impulse, but life is for living/spending money you don't have/making decisions you shouldn't make, it is SO fine though just do it. You become much closer with your great grandmother, and she is your guiding light from your first summer living closer to her. She makes you feel at peace and that's exactly what you need this year. You get into all three colleges you apply to-oh yeah all three, despite your fear of risks they are all you seem to take.
Courtesy of perfectlycursedlife.com
Stop. Hold the credits. It is your freshman year of college. You are living in Boston, Massachusetts and attending Emerson College. No longer in Vermont for school and with your family, no longer with your second family on Martha's Vineyard and you begin to forge your own path. This path is mostly to the nearest pizza place, you don't avoid the Freshman Fifteen whatsoever. Another friend you have known since Waldorf preschool days commits suicide and again, you're shaken to the core complete with flashbacks to the previous times and fear of losing more people around you to something that appears to be uncontrollable. You do start going to the gym second semester, but more for your emotional sanity and less for your appearance. Your mind is only at school half the time, and you become quite distracted about various things elsewhere. Gran becomes very sick that winter, and though Boston is getting hit with the most snowfall on record, you somehow manage to visit her several times on the island. You sit with her in the hospital, go to her house, and whether you speak or not-it is nice to be together. A book is being created with her poetry, testaments to her, and photos (including yours). You are so afraid of losing her, and the ground you stand on feels shaky constantly. School becomes a second thought, though you manage to make it through with a much higher grade point average than that of high school and your first college semester so whatever you did, it worked. You lose Gran and you do not know how you will continue in the way you had before; she is your beacon and your idol. It was her time to go, but still your grief is immeasurable. You lose someone else and you wonder what in the world you did to deserve any of it. You're strong and you will keep pushing through, but all of it hurt; making you want to curl up in a ball in a corner and never leave. Even months later after everything, it is still exhausting and you may have those days of immense sadness and loss, but you are so lucky to have so much love around you.
So how's that for having your life together at nineteen? Quite different than you thought.
This is me, writing to you as I sit on my bed before work during my sophomore year of college in Boston. You are strong, you are rebellious, you are quick tempered but you can also be quiet, reserved, and inaccessible. You are you and at the end of the day that's all you can be, though you try in vain to change your day to day self.
You will do amazing things, but please FOREGO those Mary Janes and multi-colored striped tights while you do them.
Love,
Your Nearly-Twenty-Year-Old Self
