So it's been quite a rough few weeks and I felt all over the place, out of control, and full of loss.
I long for someone who understands me on a spiritual level. I feel like that's what I lack here in college sometimes. I think so much and so deeply about everything, it's incomprehensible. My mind is just chaotic and if properly provoked, I tend to spiral very easily.
About two weeks ago, I got into a huge fight with my best friend. He's a good one; fun, spontaneous, a laugh to light up your entire soul, and he was kind. He's my whole world. But he's also a little inconsiderate. And that was the root of all of our problems. Maybe I tried to fit him into a place he wasn't meant to be in. I no longer never felt safe with him. I had considered the prospect of a romance between us many times before, as have many people with friends of the opposite sex, but with him, I never let myself get carried away. As the universe had tested us, he had failed to come through for me, time and again. I sat with the feelings of rejection, as at that moment, I wasn't able to hold on to someone that I called my best friend? It made me think, "if he can't put up with me, then why would anyone else in their right mind be able to?" I felt quite sure about myself being correct in our predicament, but as my most beloved friend slipped through my hands like grains of sand, I just couldn't shake the possibility that there might be something wrong with me, that I expected too much of him.
Romantic relationships entail expectations that you learn to have from each other, and you may not realize it, but friendships work in the same way. You don't just magically become close to someone. It's a conscious choice to enter each other's respective worlds, to let someone into your life. Think about any of your friends. There was probably a moment where you realized that you were closer than before. And with the closing of any type of gaps in a relationship, come expectations.
A daunting word, I agree. But, what are expectations, if not just wanting basic human decency?
One horrible night, I broke down in the middle of the street, as mascara stained my flushed cheeks. My friends stood there and consoled me until I was done. "If you cry, I'll cry," my friend said as she teared up. And at that moment, right in the middle of that loud and crowded street, I felt at home. Tear stricken, and tired, I walked home, hand in hand with my girls.
Every so often, I send myself into another spiral. And with my open book of a face, it's very evident when I'm in one of these moments. My friend reached for my shoulder yesterday and said "After this, you have to move on," in the most gentle, almost careful tone. She meant absolutely no harm, and it showed. And the expectation I have from her, and all of my friends, is to be there for me, but give it to me straight when I need the tough love. I was home once again.
Love can be expressed in many ways. Through gestures, words, and motions. But when someone makes you feel like a burden, when they can barely give you the time of day during your tough times, and when they make your problems, about themselves, I don't even need to say that it's a red flag. Even the craziest of narcissists can exhibit care for someone. I know it's easy to say "they just might not know how to handle those situations," but you know what? It just doesn't cut it to not know anymore. At this point in our lives, it's actually quite immature to be completely oblivious to the way that you treat others.
I am eternally grateful for all of the loves of my life, who consistently show that they care. As human beings, we are allowed to hold each other accountable in certain issues. Because without that accountability, we'd be free to do whatever we wanted all the time. So not only does this principle apply in regulatory institutions, but in our relationships and daily lives as well. If someone does not want to understand that, then you might want to consider reevaluating your relationship with them.
If you don't appreciate the way that you're being treated, then maybe you aren't being treated correctly. As easy as it is to place the blame on yourself, it's not always you. So if something rubbed you the wrong way, communicate it. No one will know that anything is wrong unless you say something. And if your grievances remain unacknowledged even after this, then at least you know that you tried.
Many people say that "don't expect too much, or you'll be disappointed." I say, that with the right people, you won't be. Expectations allow relationships to become well-oiled machines: it might start squeaking and creaking after a while, but a little communication will do the trick.
I know that my emotions are valid, despite the unfortunate reality that I may need a little self-affirmation from time to time. Although there isn't anything wrong with being unemotional, there is nothing right about living in a prolonging ignorance. I've beat myself up far too long for who I am, and don't have much patience left for a complete and utter lack of emotional intelligence. Don't let ignorance dishearten you from the prospect of being treated the way that you deserve.
Keep breathing.
Love,
T
