Why You're Not Expecting Too Much

Why You're Not Expecting Too Much

Many people say that "don't expect too much, or you'll be disappointed." I say, that with the right people, you won't be.

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So it's been quite a rough few weeks and I felt all over the place, out of control, and full of loss.

I long for someone who understands me on a spiritual level. I feel like that's what I lack here in college sometimes. I think so much and so deeply about everything, it's incomprehensible. My mind is just chaotic and if properly provoked, I tend to spiral very easily.

About two weeks ago, I got into a huge fight with my best friend. He's a good one; fun, spontaneous, a laugh to light up your entire soul, and he was kind. He's my whole world. But he's also a little inconsiderate. And that was the root of all of our problems. Maybe I tried to fit him into a place he wasn't meant to be in. I no longer never felt safe with him. I had considered the prospect of a romance between us many times before, as have many people with friends of the opposite sex, but with him, I never let myself get carried away. As the universe had tested us, he had failed to come through for me, time and again. I sat with the feelings of rejection, as at that moment, I wasn't able to hold on to someone that I called my best friend? It made me think, "if he can't put up with me, then why would anyone else in their right mind be able to?" I felt quite sure about myself being correct in our predicament, but as my most beloved friend slipped through my hands like grains of sand, I just couldn't shake the possibility that there might be something wrong with me, that I expected too much of him.

Romantic relationships entail expectations that you learn to have from each other, and you may not realize it, but friendships work in the same way. You don't just magically become close to someone. It's a conscious choice to enter each other's respective worlds, to let someone into your life. Think about any of your friends. There was probably a moment where you realized that you were closer than before. And with the closing of any type of gaps in a relationship, come expectations.

A daunting word, I agree. But, what are expectations, if not just wanting basic human decency?

One horrible night, I broke down in the middle of the street, as mascara stained my flushed cheeks. My friends stood there and consoled me until I was done. "If you cry, I'll cry," my friend said as she teared up. And at that moment, right in the middle of that loud and crowded street, I felt at home. Tear stricken, and tired, I walked home, hand in hand with my girls.

Every so often, I send myself into another spiral. And with my open book of a face, it's very evident when I'm in one of these moments. My friend reached for my shoulder yesterday and said "After this, you have to move on," in the most gentle, almost careful tone. She meant absolutely no harm, and it showed. And the expectation I have from her, and all of my friends, is to be there for me, but give it to me straight when I need the tough love. I was home once again.

Love can be expressed in many ways. Through gestures, words, and motions. But when someone makes you feel like a burden, when they can barely give you the time of day during your tough times, and when they make your problems, about themselves, I don't even need to say that it's a red flag. Even the craziest of narcissists can exhibit care for someone. I know it's easy to say "they just might not know how to handle those situations," but you know what? It just doesn't cut it to not know anymore. At this point in our lives, it's actually quite immature to be completely oblivious to the way that you treat others.

I am eternally grateful for all of the loves of my life, who consistently show that they care. As human beings, we are allowed to hold each other accountable in certain issues. Because without that accountability, we'd be free to do whatever we wanted all the time. So not only does this principle apply in regulatory institutions, but in our relationships and daily lives as well. If someone does not want to understand that, then you might want to consider reevaluating your relationship with them.

If you don't appreciate the way that you're being treated, then maybe you aren't being treated correctly. As easy as it is to place the blame on yourself, it's not always you. So if something rubbed you the wrong way, communicate it. No one will know that anything is wrong unless you say something. And if your grievances remain unacknowledged even after this, then at least you know that you tried.

Many people say that "don't expect too much, or you'll be disappointed." I say, that with the right people, you won't be. Expectations allow relationships to become well-oiled machines: it might start squeaking and creaking after a while, but a little communication will do the trick.

I know that my emotions are valid, despite the unfortunate reality that I may need a little self-affirmation from time to time. Although there isn't anything wrong with being unemotional, there is nothing right about living in a prolonging ignorance. I've beat myself up far too long for who I am, and don't have much patience left for a complete and utter lack of emotional intelligence. Don't let ignorance dishearten you from the prospect of being treated the way that you deserve.

Keep breathing.

Love,
T

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An Open Letter To My Boyfriend's Mom

A simple thank you is not enough.
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Your son and I have been dating a while now and I just wanted to thank you for everything.

Wow, where do I start? Ever since the day your son brought me into your home you have shown me nothing but kindness. I have not one negative thought about you and I am truly thankful for that. I first and foremost want to thank you for welcoming me with open arms. There are horror stories of mothers resenting their son's girlfriends and I am blessed there is no resentment or harsh feelings.

Thank you for treating me like one of your children, with so much love but knowing exactly when to tease me.

Thank you for sticking up for me when your son teases me, even though I know it’s all in good fun it's always comforting knowing you have someone by your side.

Thank you for raising a man who respects women and knows how to take responsibility of mistakes and not a boy who is immature and doesn’t take responsibility.

Thank you for always including me in family affairs, I may not be blood family but you do everything you can to make sure I feel like I am.

Thank you for letting me make memories with your family.

There is nothing I value more in this world then memories with friends and family and I am thankful you want and are willing to include me in yours. I have so much to thank you for my thoughts keep running together.

The most important thing I have to thank you for is for trusting me with your son. I know how precious and valuable he is and I won't break his heart. I will do everything I can to make him happy. This means more than you could ever imagine and I promise I will never break your trust.

The second most important thing I must thank you for is for accepting me for who I am. Never have you ever wished I looked like another girl or acted like another girl. You simply love and care for me and that’s all I could ever ask. Every person in this world is a unique different person and understanding that means a lot.

The third most important thing I must thank you is teaching me how to one day in the future treat a potential girlfriend that I may interact with as a mother. I am not a mother, but I one day plan to be. If I ever have a son it is because of how you treated me that I am able to be a humble loving mother to this new face that could one day walk into my door. How you have treated me has taught me how I should one day be in the future and I thank you for that.

This may seem all over the place but that’s how my brain gets when I try and thank you for everything you have done for me. It’s all so much and even the little things are so important so I promise my scattered thoughts are all with good intentions and not meant to bombard you. I just want to get the idea across to you that you are important and special to me and everything you do does not go unnoticed.

Sincerely,

Your Son’s Girlfriend

Cover Image Credit: Christian Images and Quotes

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We Spend So Much Time Talking About How Much Men Suck In 2019, That We Forget Girls Are Just As Bad

I always talk about how awful guys can be, but let's take a second to talk about how awful my own sex can be, too.

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In our culture, we tend to place all the blame on guys in most relationships by saying how "all men suck" but what about girls?

Girls can be just as bad.

I'm constantly saying how bad guys can be but yet I never stop to analyze things I've done that weren't okay or things my fellow female friends have done that was awful.

I'm not innocent either, I've done some terrible things to really nice guys in my life.

There was one man in my life that genuinely cared for me and wanted to date me but I didn't feel the same at all and lead him on. I honestly didn't think I was leading him on at first but the minute I realized it I tried to nicely let him down. To this day I feel awful about it because I hurt him the way many other guys in my life have hurt me.

I tend to defend my own gender a lot in conversations and I now understand that I really shouldn't. I've seen so many of my female friends treat great guys terribly and have ignored it for so long because I want to believe that females can't be that awful. I was wrong.

I've had some of my best guy friends get treated like absolute garbage by girls that wanted to just party and partake in the hookup culture rather than be with a great guy. I don't get it.

If you have a great man that you're attracted to and loves you unconditionally why would you want to throw it away to chase after boys that won't remember your name the next day?

I've had to keep secrets for friends before that ate me up inside. I had a friend who cheated on her boyfriend by kissing another man in front of me and kept it quiet.

It is NEVER okay to do that to someone, especially a guy that truly cares about you.

It is NOT OK to be on dating apps while dating someone. If you are dating someone, you're exclusive. There is no need to continue talking to men that obviously don't want to just be your friend. There is no good excuse and if you have to try and justify it to yourself, then it's probably not a good idea.

I honestly made myself believe that females didn't play the games men play with our hearts, but we can be just as bad if not worse than a lot of men.

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