Above all things, even needles, complacency is my worst fear. I hate the idea of being so fervently stuck in my ways that I refuse to change and grow beyond my comfort zone. For the longest time, I thought I was a pro at avoiding complacency. Recently, however, it has come to my attention that I was only a pro at being a hypocrite.

For the longest time, I have continually allowed the mistakes I have made in the past to define who I am today. I have allowed a not-so-fun time in my life (a time that most all people experience and find horrendous) to skew how I identify myself, how I present myself, and what I allow myself to do.

Namely, I have allowed the awkward years of middle school to define the limits to which I am allowed to grow.

Middle school: "a place where your parents drop you off to be ripped apart by your equals; a place where you go from being a sweet, cute, elementary school kid to being a poser goth...listening to Avril Lavinge" (Urban Dictionary). Though I didn't become the alter-ego of myself (I kept my curly, blonde locks and continued to shop at Claire's for earrings shaped like dolphins), upon starting middle school, I did temporarily lose my childhood friends as we all switched to new middle schools (and I stayed within the system of my private school that I had gone to since Pre-K), leaving me friendless and lost. Oh, and I started middle school with a broken leg and a giant pink cast to match, so you can imagine how fun that was.

Needless to stay, I got off to a rough start in middle school.

However, because I was within the walls of the same school I had known my whole life and was surrounded by the people I had grown up with, I wasn't at a total loss. My problem was that I no longer had a close friend to truly connect to, leaving me to sit on the edge of the walls of the "it" crowd. I was thus left in an awkward stage, never being truly "in" or "out."

Always the fourth wheel (not even the third wheel), the intermediary for gossip, and only invited to birthday parties out of formality (or so it seemed to me), I wasn't able to develop deep friendships and fluent social skills. Often, I found myself resulting to my computer, making YouTube videos, and building friendships with people I met via the YouTube community. I was happy in my online bubble, but my online popularity didn't translate into real-world popularity. In real life, people didn't "get" my videos, I was made fun of, and I decided it was best to hide my online life.

As a middle schooler, being popular and having someone "like" me was what I (and most all middle schoolers) strived to attain, and as a result from failing to reach those superficial marks of "coolness," I became very insecure and anxious.

When middle school ended, I had the opportunity to finally leave my private school bubble and enter into the real world, a.k.a. public school, a place where all of us private schoolers thought heathens went to party and do drugs. Nonetheless, it was an opportunity for me to move on from what I felt to be a stagnant environment and start over.

However, even though my settings may have been new, my mindset was not. I went into my new public school as a nervous little freshman who felt the need to still attain those superficial marks of "coolness," leaving me to shrink back any time someone seemingly did not like me. I even ended up dropping my whole YouTube passion because I told myself it was stupid and that I would be ridiculed like I was in middle school (and I denied that I had made YouTube videos any time someone asked me). I tried to gauge my social standing in my new environment, and being the insecure, anxious person that I was, I resulted to only talking to people who I felt "approved" of me, even though I barely approved of myself.

Even though I wanted to start over, I couldn't seem to let go of those formative years of middle school, those years where I felt I was never good enough.

After a not-so-fun freshman year and almost wanting to transfer back to my old private school, I decided that I would make sophomore year different, so I made the spontaneous decision to join the yearbook staff at my school. Joining a club and finally finding a group of people who were interested in the same things I was and liked me for me changed my life. To read more about how joining a club or organization can really change who you are and how you enjoy your circumstances, read my other article, "3 Pieces of Advice All High Schoolers Need to Hear."

As I was recently contemplating what to write about for my Common Application essay (I start applying for colleges this fall), I thought about writing about how I had become a stronger person by overcoming certain issues I had faced as a middle schooler and carried over to high school. However, when I asked what people though of this topic, one person said, "The background about middle school seems important when explaining how [my issues] started, but seems really out of place in a college essay. If the thoughts of high schoolers are rarely organized into interesting thoughts/essays, thoughts of middle schoolers are probably more trivial."

This comment stuck me hard and made me think, "Why the heck am I still holding on to what happened over three years ago?"

I am not who I was three years ago, nor do I ever plan to be. Most everything I used to identify with no longer applies to the person I am today. I am, however, a stronger person because of what I went through. I am a person who will not get beaten down by what I think others think of me. I am someone who will choose to find value in how I view myself and what I allow myself to achieve. No longer will I limit myself based on what people tried to limit me to.

I've decided to not write my Common Application essay about my difficulties with my past insecurities, because who I was does not reflect who I am. I am a different person today, and I intend to show the world how I view myself, not how I let others view me. Because of this, I have been able to move forward with my life and pursue the life I want, and I assure you, I don't even have time for insecurity any more.

I leave you with this: express yourself for who you are and you will change the world around you instead of the world changing you.