For those who know me, I can be petty. I can get mad over the silliest little things. I hold onto a hate for someone after years. I hold grudges. I for some reason have never been able to get over it.
I can hold a grudge about a boy who just didn't want to be with me. I can hold a grudge over a girl who tried to get with a boyfriend, when in all honesty he played her too. I can hold a grudge over people who didn't like my friends.
I really don't care about the amount of people I disliked over something silly or drama filled or just plain stupid. If you did something I didn't like I can have a hard time getting over it. I can let it continue to bother me until it eats me up inside. I will roll my eyes at someone saying a name. I will tell a stupid story over and over again all because I couldn't let it go.
It is really stupid of me.
Grudges are stupid. Grudges are immature. Grudges get in the way of happiness that you could be having in your life but you choose not to just for the sole fact of being angry.
And for the last year I realized it.
On March 22, 2015 I had the boy I was crazy about come into my work. I noticed him as soon as he walked in and went to the bar. We made eye contact and all he got out of me was a slight smirk. I was annoyed with him. He was the first person I wanted to see but the last person I wanted to give the satisfaction of going up and talking to.
I was holding a grudge for such a stupid reason. He and I were not together so I was talking to someone else and he showed signs of jealousy. I was pissed beyond belief because at the time I felt that was the only time he showed he cared. I held onto this grudge that even when I saw him I couldn't bring myself to speak to him.
4 days later, he was killed in a motorcycle accident. The last time I saw him, I didn't even say a word to him. I ignored was rude to him when he snapchatted me. I held a grudge because he wasn't giving me the attention I wanted. The biggest regret I have in life is the choice I made to not even speak to him that day. I live each day knowing I held a petty grudge and he had no kind last thoughts of me.
The moral of this story is, is to please say sorry. Please forgive someone, no matter if they mean it or not. To be kind to people, even if you are temporary mad at them. That is all a grudge is. A grudge is temporary. A life is temporary. We are not given a certain amount of time on Earth. We are not guaranteed to love everyone. We are given the chance to be kind. Say simple words. Tell someone how you feel about them. Don't hold yourself back from someone because you "got mad at them".
If you can't be kind to someone, at least forgive them and forget them. Do not hold anger towards them because you never know what regrets could come from it.
I am trying everyday to make myself let go of things and although it is hard, I'm trying. I do not want to hold grudges. Grudges come with regrets that can last a lifetime.
