One of the most tiresome conversations possible to have with another person is the “who has it worse” competition. This stems from a conditioned need to validate ourselves by how hard we work for what we want. It’s all good and well to earn what we want and to go after what we feel we deserve, but these bragging rights for who is the most miserable need to go. Not only is it generally unattractive, its unfair to yourself and your hard work. Taking ownership of overcoming your past struggles is something that should undoubtedly be celebrated and the knowledge acquired can be passed on to someone else who might be struggling in a similar way. If you find yourself so unbearably miserable that it is all you have to talk about though, you are falling into a bitter mindset.
This could also stem from a lack of feeling worthy. We see someone else who is quite possibly struggling worse than us with a smile on their face and success in their laps and rather than celebrate in their joy, we have to validate ourselves. We do this by compensating for our lack of success and make excuses as to why we are not where we wish to be. This sparks the conversation of “well it must be easy for you to deal with your problems and still come out on top. You should see what I’ve had to go through.” It’s also important to remember that just because someone does not complain about their burdens does not mean that they do not have any. This is probably why they are successful – they are focusing on what they do have rather than what they are lacking.
I am not excluding myself from either side of this dynamic. I have looked over to my neighbor and sighed in self-pity at how easy they seem to have it. Come to find out, this is rarely the case. I have also been on the receiving end where I have worked hard only to have my success be belittled and credited to lucky circumstances. It happens, but the first step towards correcting it is becoming aware of it and why it is so damaging to both sides. This is not to say that if you find yourself struggling, confiding in a friend shouldn’t be done. It absolutely should. However, undermining anything someone else might be going through with the justification that we have it worse is so counterproductive that the conversation is better left unsaid.
Again, I want to stress the difference between glorifying a struggle and celebrating in overcoming an obstacle. Being able to look back on how far you’ve come and see that you are capable of more than you thought you were is not a greedy competition for the misery trophy. Going through a tough time is a different story as well, one that should be approached with as much optimism as you can muster along with an attitude that does not place blame nor allow for excuses to be made. We are all much more capable of overcoming hardships than we realize. This is why we need to stop glorifying our struggles and start validating ourselves based on our skills, perspectives, and uniqueness.
When we can celebrate in another’s success while still climbing to where we would like to be, that is when we have truly found an unshakable confidence. From there, the sky is the limit. Also, when it comes to engaging with others who are bragging about their misery and are putting you down for your optimism in a tough time, hand them their medal of having it harder and you just keep working on yourself with grace. Remember that they might not understand what battles you are facing and for this they should be forgiven.
