From a young age, we are tirelessly taught to live by the golden rule of civilized society: treat others the way you want to be treated. But in an individualistic culture that emphasizes autonomy and independence over the needs of the collective group, is it beneficial to our society to base our treatment of others solely on what we personally approve of? In order to follow the golden rule, one simply has to know their own desires and interact with others in accordance with those wishes. Let's pretend for a moment that I am a "touchy-feely" individual who likes to interact with others through signs of physical affection (notice the key word in this hypothetical situation about me is "pretend"). Following the golden rule implies that I should engage in physical contact with the people I meet and talk to because that's how I want to be treated. But what if the person on the receiving end finds this behavior to be disrespectful or uncomfortable? Should I still act in a way that mirrors what I want without considering what is acceptable for the other person? There's no challenge in treating others the way you want to be treated because it requires only an understanding of the self and does not involve attention to the individual needs of the receiver. Instead, I invite you to step out of your bubble and treat your loved ones, friends, and acquaintances the way they want to be treated.
The golden rule is perhaps a quick and easy way to teach social skills to the younger population, and admittedly does act as a proper guideline on the surface. For example, one would apply the rule to an aggressive child, teaching them to realize: "I would not like to be greeted with a punch to the face, therefore, I will not greet other people with a punch to the face" or "I do not like when my things are stolen, so I will not steal from others." While this simplistic philosophy does serve as a social conscience for our basic interactions, it should not act as a template for developing care-based reciprocal relationships.
Recently I learned about the five love languages--words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, gifts, and physical touch--that explain the different ways in which people prefer to receive love from someone they care about. In discovering my own love language, I realized which ones I do not associate with feeling appreciated and cared about, such as gifts. A person whose love language is gift-giving, for example, may feel that giving me a present that they put time and effort into will show me their dedication. While I would surely appreciate such a gesture, "gifts" is my least proficient love language and does not communicate the message of love based on my preferences. Though receiving a present from someone who is gift-oriented is nice, it does not show me that they know me; it shows me that they know themselves. I would recognize that said person cares about me as an individual if they were to write a letter or arrange for uninterrupted time spent together, because that would demonstrate that they understand what I need to feel loved, especially since it is not the same.
It is important that we base our relationships not on what we need, but on what the specific person we care about needs. Cherishing someone important in your life requires that you take their individualized attributions into account and recognize what makes them feel special. Think about a close friend or family member who you love, trust, and could not imagine life without. Most likely, you know almost everything about this person; you know who they are, what cheers them up when they're feeling down, what they're passionate about, and what they want in life. Maybe you see a funny video, find something at the store, or hear a song that reminds you of this special person, even if it's not something that appeals to you personally. That's because successful relationships require knowledge and consideration of the other person outside of your self-understanding.
If we all treated others the way we wanted to be treated, I can't imagine we would have any close and wholesome relationships. Different people have different values, opinions, and cultural beliefs that shape the ways the want to be treated. You may have one friend who's very blunt and appreciates brutal honesty, but you also might have a more sensitive friend who needs gentler words; would you treat them the same way? The challenge in our society is not embracing the golden rule, it is overcoming the golden rule; it is realizing that maybe what is best for us is not always best for other people. In a day and age where our decisions, actions, and words revolve around our individualistic needs, I encourage you to get to know the people in your lives, give them the love that they would like to receive, and treat them the way they would like to be treated.
