So, Odyssey, I think we know each other pretty well by now, so we can talk frankly and openly about personal issues. I have mentioned in many an article that I have anxiety (it's pretty much it's own, uncontrollable part of my brain), and I'm getting to the point where I'm separating myself from it: I AM NOT MY ANXIETY.
However, because of anxiety, there's some issues that I have with really big aspects of life. A major issue for me is FOOD. Between January and July of 2015, I lost 45 pounds. I drank nothing but water (up to 12 bottles a day) and coffee, ate lean meat, fruit, and vegetables. I was the smallest I'd ever been and felt beautiful.
Upon returning to school, I lost a little more weight, but basically maintained what I'd lost previously. As discussed previously, in an article, I developed a kidney infection and gastritis related to my anxiety, causing me to lose 11 pounds in a month. While sick, I ended up having to stay in my room a great deal, all alone. However, Fall of 2015 happened to be when the sixth series of a little show called "The Great British Bake Off" debuted. I watched it weekly on YouTube, watching the new one on Monday afternoons, then binge-watching from the first episode to the new one throughout the week. But, I know what all of you are thinking: that sounds obsessive. And yes, it probably was. However, it was my 'cure'.
"The Great British Bake Off," if you don't know, is a British competition based on the fete celebrations in villages. Home bakers from around Britain come together to make cakes, pies, biscuits (cookies and crackers), chocolate work, tarts, -- the list goes on and on -- basically they make INCREDIBLE food.
This show is more than a fascination for me; I've grown up an Anglophile, so, first of all, I'm just obsessed with the entire vibe of the show. They are in a tent behind an old estate in the middle of England...there's bunting, gingham, mismatched teacups, ribbon....IT IS ALL OF THE GOOD THINGS. The food is incredible; watch one episode and tell me that you could make half of that food. It's all charming and delicious, do not watch it on an empty stomach. Lastly, the people are just beautiful. I don't mean just physically (though they are all adorable), but they are beautiful human beings. They show kindness and strength and friendship even in the face of competition.
For me, this show is comforting and warm. It also made me, for the first time in years, comfortable with talking about food. It used to be that, if food came up, I'd shrink back, which is really weird: I love cooking and baking, I should talk about it or at least, want to talk about it. However, my issues surrounding food have held me back from that. It might sound strange, but my nerves just pricked up whenever I was asked or talked about food. Even if I'd made something amazing for an event, I didn't want to talk about it. I was almost ashamed that I'd made food to eat. This show taught me to be proud of what I'd made as a cook and of my knowledge as a foodie, not to let the anxiety control me. The amount of butter in cake makes it delicious, but it doesn't make me a terrible person for making it or knowing how much is in there.
I really love this show and I get teased about it but, that's okay. For me, this show isn't just enjoyable, it has curative powers. It calms me down, makes me centered, and reminds me to have fun, no matter what is happening. GBBO isn't just fun for me, when I was sick at school, it was one of the few things that put me to sleep at night and made me feel less alone.
This show taught me that food and size aren't my worth. I am me no matter what size I am and no matter what I eat or cook, my worth comes from my soul, not my stomach.
