I grew up as a pretty chubby child. I wasn't huge, but I was always a bit bigger than the other girls in my class. Because of that, and because of the society that I grew up in, I thought there was something wrong with me. I hated my body for a long time. I grew to be more comfortable eventually, but it was still difficult at times. In high school I was still close to overweight. I was in the healthy range, just the higher end of it. I wasn’t fat at all, and I liked my body well enough; I felt confident about my proportions. I felt beautiful in high school, though I still wished to be thinner.

I got my wish eventually; but it wasn't in a way that I’m proud of. Since entering college I’ve dropped about 30 pounds. I have remained in the healthy weight range for my height but it was a pretty significant drop. A lot of people have pointed it out to me that I’ve lost a lot but not all of them knew how or why. To the people on the outside who didn't know, I looked great. They would say “oh my god, you've lost so much weight!” or “your abs are insane.” “you’re so thin, you look so good.” When I’d tell them I lost about 20-30 pounds they'd say things like “you’re so lucky” or “I’m so jealous, I wish I could lose weight like that.” And I'd just think, “no you don’t”, and that's what I tell them. I do not blame them for saying these things because I understand where they're coming from, and that they were trying to be nice which I appreciated. But those people in my life on the inside knew the truth. They’d say things like “You’re looking really thin, have you been eating?” or “I’m worried about you, you're not anorexic or bulimic or anything, are you?” or simply, “you need to eat.” I have been asked these things before, because I am naturally bony, but this time was different.

I didn’t have an eating disorder. At least, not like one would think. I wasn’t anorexic, nor was I bulimic. I wasn’t actively starving myself or making myself throw up. I did stop eating for a long time, and I was throwing up a bit, but that wasn't because I wanted to be skinny, nor was it really a choice I consciously made. Not that anorexia or bulimia are choices, because no one chooses to be ill. I wasn't trying to lose weight at all. I just wasn’t hungry. The thought of food just didn’t appeal to me. I had started losing weight already I think, because my diet changed quite a bit when coming to college; I became a vegetarian, I wasn't snacking much, I only drank water. But the rest of the weight came off at a really difficult time in my life. A lot of different things began crashing down on me at once, and problems began piling up one after another. I have always been a very emotional person, but I have also always been a person who hides their feelings. I worry about other people; I don’t want anyone to worry about me. And I worry about people seeing my emotions and taking advantage of me or thinking that I’m weak, or crazy. And despite how it may have seemed, the last thing in the world I wanted was pity. But at this point I couldn't hide very easily anymore because it was all just too much, and even when I didn't want people to know, I felt like everyone saw everything anyway which just made me feel worse.

Some things I ended up talking about; others I still haven’t really; I don't think it's necessary to share absolutely everything. I’m not going to specify what I was going through, but it all took a pretty severe toll on my mental health, and it was nearly impossible for me to think of myself and my health at all because my mind was so filled with everything that was going on around me. I began overwhelming myself with classes and activities because people said that it was good to keep busy and find distraction. My distractions, however, not only kept me away from my problems, but they created new problems like other forms of stress—and they kept me from eating. I didn't want to eat. I just wasn't hungry, and I had no motivation to actively go and get food. Getting food wasn’t easy anyway with the limited amount of free time that I gave myself. I did eat here and there but it wasn't much and it wasn't always the healthiest option.

I was becoming severely stressed and would sometimes throw up as a result. I was just becoming physically, mentally, and emotionally drained. I was feeling very alone. And though food is often a comfort for people who feel alone, it wasn’t for me. I knew what I was doing wasn't healthy, but I didn't really think too much about it. It’s been a long and difficult road trying to improve myself and feel happy again. Despite how hard it all was, I’ve had a lot of amazing things happen to me during this time too; a lot of amazing people came along. It was hard for a long time to recognize them. I’m not perfectly fine, but that's okay, because I am also not the broken shell of a human being that I was for a while. I hated what I had become, and it felt like I couldn't stop it which just made me even more not myself; but then I didn’t think what I was was good enough. But I am lucky. I am lucky because during this time in my life I had people there for me who cared about me and who saw I wasn't doing well and tried to help me get back on track. People who reminded me that I am not what I went through and I am not defined by my pain; people who reminded me of my worth; people who reminded me who I really am.

I didn't have a typical eating disorder that everyone talks about; but I did have a disorder, I suppose. It got to a point where when I would eat I would almost feel bad about myself, and it made me scared to put weight back on. But feeling that way was even scarier. I wasn’t pleased about all of the weight I had lost because I knew it came from a dark time where I wasn't myself, from a time where I wasn’t healthy. And feeling like I wasn’t healthy just made me behave like I was unhealthy because I felt like that’s what everyone else thought and at times I didn't understand why… and it took its toll.

But I’ve realized that there's a difference between being unhealthy and being an unhealthy person. I am not an unhealthy person, I just went through a time when I wasn't healthy—we all do, and it’s okay; we are all allowed to feel lost and to stumble every once in a while. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with us. The important thing is not being so afraid to talk about it, and to be understanding of others who want to talk about it, and realizing that it doesn't define you. I was not always unhealthy, I will not always be unhealthy, I am not now nor have I ever been an unhealthy presence to have, and I hate that I went through a time where I felt like I was. But hardship is a part of life.

And I am eating again. I still have no desire to eat, and I am the lightest I’ve been in years. I’m borderline underweight for my height. I don't look sickly thin or anything, nor did I look huge before. I am just far thinner than I used to be. But I realized that not eating only made things worse, it didn't help anything. And I am focused on being healthy for myself again. That is why I talk about my weight-loss; because I don’t want anyone to envy me, because what I did wasn’t healthy. My weight-loss is not something to be proud of. When people point out my weight loss, I explain to them how it happened because weight loss is not always something that should be desired, nor is it always healthy. I do not tell people that I lost all of that weight to brag or to fish for compliments; I tell them because I want them to know that losing weight does not always equal health or happiness, and as good as some people may have thought I looked on the outside, my insides were suffering.

I don’t want people to look at me and wish they could do what I did because I would not wish it on anyone. Don't feel like you have to lose weight unless its your health is at risk, you're beautiful. But if you would like to lose weight because you think you'll be healthier or feel better about yourself then that's great and I wish you luck. But don't do what I did, and don't be envious of me. The inside and the outside both have to be healthy, otherwise it is all for naught.