We've all been there before. You fight and fight with a friend until one of you gives in just to end the argument. The problem isn't solved, it's just shoved under the rug for later.
While this isn't always a bad thing, and with some friends you'll be able to talk about it later and sort things out, that's not always the case. Sometimes, instead of talking about this problem later, a new one arises and the process repeats, without the problems ever getting solved. This is how I would describe a toxic friendship.
We all have friends like this. Friends that just exhaust us, wear us down, make us feel like we have to walk on eggshells to save the friendship. I know I sure did, and I let it fester for years just because I was loyal to a fault and desperately wanted to believe that I could make things work. Finally, we both just reached our breaking points and let the struggle to keep the friendship end. To be honest, it was probably the best decision of 2017 for me.
It's 2018 now, and that friendship has been over for a while. It was tough at first, but for everyone else going through that same thing, I say it's time to finally drop those toxic friendships and move on with your lives. Fight for the friendships that matter to you, but don't wear yourself out fighting for the wrong ones. I know it can be terribly difficult, but in the end, it is for the best sometimes for both parties to just let go.
My story began way back in the 5th grade. I had just started playing football and was bigger than just about everyone else playing. I immediately sparked a friendship with a kid who was undersized, but played with more heart than anyone else and refused to let his size determine his ability. We were teammates, best friends, and brothers. We talked constantly and continued playing together for the next two years until I made the decision to move to my dad's house during Christmas break of my 7th-grade year.
During the two years, I lived with my dad, we did our best to keep in touch. We talked every once in a while and always hung out when I was back visiting my mom. Once we both got Xbox Live we played video games together constantly whenever we had time, and our friendship survived even though I was no longer in Jefferson City.
Christmas break of my freshman year of high school, I made the decision to move back to my mother's house and he and I rekindled our friendship like I had never been gone in the first place. We were inseparable, hanging out almost every day, eating together, and gaming constantly. We had each other's backs through thick and thin and helped each other with everything a typical angsty teenager goes through in high school. It was quite the bromance for sure.
High school went by in what seemed like the blink of an eye, and before we knew it we were both moving into our dorm room at Missouri State. We were prepared for the greatest year ever, full of more great memories; days full of classes and homework, nights full of goofing off, gaming, and just having a blast. We had decided before coming down to Springfield that FSL wasn't for us. It was going to be the two of us against the world. Unfortunately, however, even the best-laid plans can go to waste.
Like nearly everyone ever, we both changed during that first semester of college. Even though we had decided against it, I ended up joining a fraternity, making new friends and didn't spend much time in the dorm. My friend, on the other hand, did exactly what we had originally planned. He spent his days in class, doing homework, and added on a daily gym routine. His nights were full of gaming and goofing around, and often times more homework. Being an Animal Science major, I didn't have nearly as much homework or studying to do as he did, so I tried to avoid the room at times to allow him to study and do homework, as well as spend time with my new friends.
I overdid that, of course, and ended up creating a huge divide between us. I spent far more time with my new friends and less and less time with my oldest and closest friend. We became more and more reserved around each other, barely ever hanging out or doing things together anymore, even going for days without really talking to each other at all. This was when the friendship began to become toxic.
We made it through our freshman year and once we stopped living together and got some space, things improved. They never were quite the same as they had been before college. We had a group chat on Instagram and Snapchat with a few friends and we were always sharing memes and talking with each other. We didn't live together sophomore year because I was in the fraternity house and he was in a dorm. We hung out fairly often, talked almost every day, and things were going well. After the fall semester of sophomore year, he dropped out of college, moved back home, and decided to join the air force, a decision that I am still so unbelievably proud of him for making.
Spring semester of my sophomore year passed much like the fall semester, with us talking every day, continuing to share memes and funny things in our group chats, and occasionally hanging out when I was in Jefferson City or he came to visit Springfield. The biggest difference was the start of fighting over nearly every disagreement that we had. We always brushed them under the rug and pretended that things were fine, but I couldn't help but feel like I was constantly walking on eggshells with him. Then came the summer of 2017, and with that, the beginning of the end of our friendship.
The first big fight we had didn't last long, but it laid the foundation for a lot of fights in the future. We both ended up laying out our grievances with each other on the table, and we both promised to work on the problems we had with each other. We would try to fix the things that we didn't like about each other but also would try to get less upset when one of us did something the other wasn't a fan of. In theory, this would work, but I think the stress of trying to change to keep the friendship afloat is what ultimately caused it to end.
Towards the end of the summer, a friend of ours came to visit for a week and I took that week off to hang out with them. Things were good, but the feeling of walking on eggshells was only getting worse. That week was the first time that I had spent any real time with him in months, and while I was of course extremely happy to see him, I ended up staying quite and letting him lead every conversation and I let him make all the decisions because disagreeing meant arguing and I am not a confrontational person. It allowed me to make it through the week and I had a lot of fun, all things considered, but after that week I told myself that it was time to stop letting others walk over me and take lead in my life, and that included him.
We started fighting about more things more often, and I stopped stepping down and letting him win every time. Things got worse and worse, and then NFL players began kneeling for the anthem, and that was a hot topic in our friend group. He was going into the Air Force and took kneeling as direct disrespect to the United States and those who have died to defend our rights. I felt differently, and eventually declared in a group chat that I would kneel, given the opportunity. That was final straw in a friendship that had been dying for quite some time. He, in not quite as nice words, requested that I have a good day and good life, left the group chat, and that was that, the end.
At first, I was devastated. He had been my best friend for years, and despite the problems, I was truly sad to have the friendship end. But that sadness didn't last too long. While I still regret that we were unable to work things out, I've come to realize that it was ultimately the best decision for both of us. I hadn't realized just how stressed out and tired it made me hanging on to that friendship until it was no longer a concern of mine. I've moved on now, as has he, and I believe that we're both better off because of it.
While letting go of old, toxic friendships can be really hard to do and often will be messy, it's often for the best. I encourage everyone who has a toxic friendship to try to address it, but also let go if things don't improve. You may be mad at each other for a while, I certainly was sad and angry for some time, but once those feelings pass, you're life will improve. I'm no longer mad at him. I wish him the best in life. I hope that the Air Force is everything he has hoped it would be and more. I hope he has a long, happy, successful life. I will always have love in my heart for him, even though he's no longer a friend of mine.
It's 2018. It's time to leave make the hard decisions that will benefit our lives in the long run. Even the oldest friendships can turn sour. Ending them is rough, But you'll be better off in the long run.
