I remember the first time someone called me fat. I was in 7th grade and it was over social media. When you're that young you don't really know what it means, but you know the feeling you get when you hear those words. That feeling is something that lives with you forever, and it isn't just something that can go away over night. Feeling like you're not good enough is the worst feeling in the world.

When it comes to loving myself I'll admit that it isn't my first priority throughout the day, and that's because it's hard when you've grown up never being good enough for anyone. For anyone who was ever told you are not good enough you feel this as well. Feeling under under-appreciated and over-looked is a hard feeling to get out of. Each day I struggle with the thoughts of feeling unloved, even by myself. A new years resolution of mine was to learn to love myself more, but it's starting to feel more and more like a full time job.

Why is it so hard to love ourselves? There is a line from "The Perks of Being A Wallflower" that sticks out to me specifically when I think about this question: "We accept the love we think we deserve." For those of us who have let others take advantage of us, or made rash decisions because we think we might feel better about ourselves; we make these decisions because it's what we think we deserve. That shows how little we see in ourselves.

I know what it's like to look in a mirror and want to criticize everything that I see. I know what it's like to look a photo of yourself surrounded by your friends and have your heart sink. I can count on my hands and toes the amount of times I would take my self out of a social situation because I felt fat or ugly. I know what it's like to hide who you really are in fear of being judged and rejected. Rejection is a something hat effects a person greatly, especially when it happens time and time again.

These feelings that come from my insecurities have been something that I've been trying to escape for the last 7 years. These are the feelings that make it so hard to love yourself because they don't just go away because you tell them to. They are embedded into your brain, and when you start to think better of yourself they just stab away at those good thoughts. I do know that loving yourself is an important part of letting others love you, but it's hard. You can't just choose to love yourself and to let go of all the insecurities, and that is what makes loving yourself so hard. But I have a feeling that loving yourself is equivalent to being free because all of those demons just disappear and it doesn't way on you as much.