I'm a planner. I keep a very extensive agenda with my weekly activities and daily assignments etched in a vast array of colored pens. Since middle school, I have been a planner; maybe it was OCD or just the constant drive to know exactly what was expected of myself.
I knew what I was doing, why I was doing it, and where it was going to take me. I never completed a task without knowing how it would get me to the next step in life. Since middle school, I have set high goals for myself and have almost always achieved them. So it struck me as odd when I entered into my second year of college and realized that the path I had worked so hard to pave for myself wasn't exactly leading me to a place I wanted to go.
First of all, college is hard. Being away from your best friends and your family is way harder than anyone ever told you. Your entire life, you wish to grow up as fast as you can, but no one ever really tells you what to expect once you get there.
I went through a trying time of being unsure of myself and my future. I felt completely heartbroken when I decided that my plan was not the plan for me. I was terrified that I would become another statistic about college graduates without a job. I didn't want to pay off student loans until I retired but I didn't know what I would major in if it wasn't biology or chemistry; I didn't even know what I was good at. I was envious of everyone around me that knew exactly what they were doing. That used to be me! What did I do wrong to end up in this place of uncertainty during such a vital time in my life?
I realized that it's okay that my original plan didn't fit my future plans. Deciding what you want to do for the rest of your life at age 20 is terrifying. It's okay to second guess your current situation. It's okay to explore new things and take chances. It's okay for life to hand you lemons. It's okay to throw them back and find a fruit you like better. It's okay to not know. The biggest struggle I have faced is coping with the idea that it's okay to not know what the future holds.
It's okay when you get off track and wonder if you're doing the right thing. Waiting for a moment of enlightenment to happen and a miraculous idea to hit you in the head doesn't happen, though. Growing up isn't like that either. Growing up is searching and digging tirelessly to find yourself and who you want to be. I'm far from where I want to be when I'm 40 and a soccer mom, but that's okay. Life has an idea of its own. Just because you struggle with your current situation doesn't mean you will struggle forever.
It's okay that what I wanted to be when I was 14 years old is no longer who I strive to be. It's okay to have your plan switched around because life happens.
